What an awful time to have common sense.
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The internet is magic sometimes.
I’m so out of shape, Internet Explorer could probably run faster than me.
“you are what you eat”
i don’t remember eating a handsome genius but ok
[Heaven]
God: Sorry I pulled you away from earth
Stan Lee: Nuff said!
God: It’s just part of the job
Stan Lee: well with great power… [winks]
[rap battle]
[my opponent attempts to drop the mic, but I stealthily tied it to his finger so it just comes back up like a yo-yo]
On the street or subway you can only imagine what that idiot is thinking. On Twitter, you get to see what that idiot is thinking.
If you can talk really fast you have some options in life: Become an auctioneer or list the side effects of drugs at the end of commercials.
There is no “five second rule”…
Just a “shame-to-hunger” ratio.
I shaved and now I can fit into my smaller jeans.
Still haven’t given up on the dream of finding a suitcase full of money on the side of the road.
Me: *Holding a fist full of lit sparklers* How much for the aggressive incense?
“How would you describe yourself.”
Me – I absolutely would not.
Ways to know a guy at the bar wants to take you home:
1. He talks to you.
2. He buys you a drink.
3. That drink makes you REALLY sleepy.
*sucks stomach in for entire 3 year relationship*
gf: I wanna break up
*flops stomach out*
me: finally
my sister is about to have a baby and my brother showed up to the hospital in a suit because “first impressions matter”
*crumples a hamburger next to the phone* sorry, i’m having trouble hearing u over this delicious hamburger noise call u later ok
I don’t date men unless they have tentacles. It’s called having standards.
I told my therapist what you said and she’s gonna call your therapist and you’re in big trouble
My son knows he can’t use the f word in public and he certainly can’t say it in front of his younger sister or she’ll want to use it and also he thinks the f word is “phone.”
Not tryin’ to brag, but my sex life is like a dormant volcano. It was fiery, but now it’s inactive. Also, I killed a bunch of villagers.
[cruise]
Me: boats freak me out
Wife: listen to some music
M: how
W: there’s a band on ship
M: a what
W: a band on ship
M: *jumps overboard*
Me; Alexa! Start understanding my Indian accent
Alexa: Here’s what I found on Wikipedia about median cement
My parents were going to name me after the city I was conceived in but neither of them knew how to spell Albuquerque.
Me: your honor, my client is criminally insane
Judge: you’re representing yourself
*sees someone drop their wallet*
*picks it up and runs after them*Excuse me! EXCUSE ME!
You… *catches breath* Your outfit is hideous
[alternate universe where vegetables enforce the law]
person: *sees a robbery* I’m calling the crops
airline: you need to pay to check luggage.
passenger: ok i’ll carry it on then.
airline: wow so weird we’re low on overhead space now.
Christmas movie tip. If you watch Die Hard straight after Love Actually, Alan Rickman will be punished for what he did to Emma Thompson.
In high school I did a book report presentation on a book about Vanna White. I made a poster board with a puzzle underneath sheets of paper and had the class call out letters until they solved it. The puzzle was, “This presentation gets a A.” So, no, I wasn’t one of the cool kids
I work for the government which means I have to enter 2 passwords in order to print documents that are open to the public.