My dentist has decorated his office with pictures of teeth he has worked on, thank god my gynecologist doesn’t have the same decorator.
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The performance I give pretending to have never tried trail mix to get an extra sample at Costco is Oscar-worthy
I fantasize about you, but I also fantasize about the day I’ll show someone up in a dance battle, so it’s not saying much.
Girlfriend is on her way over. Aaaaaaannd history deleted.
Roses are red,
Daisies are free.I’ll never forget you,
It burns when I pee.
“DADDY THERE’S A MONSTER UNDER MY BED”
[me opening bedroom window]
Wife: What are you doing?
Me: *climbing out* ARE YOU COMING OR NOT?
I enjoy learning about the world by watching the Olympics. So far I’ve learned that Canada ISN’T the only country that participates in curling.
Time heals everything 🙂
Absolutely no one:
The ice maker in my refrigerator: I HAVE A VOICE AND MUST BE HEARD
“I wouldn’t wish that on my worst enemy ” well I would. Step aside
Sorry I picked up your pug and ran him in for a touchdown.
“How much for the mannequin in the clown outfit?”
“Sir, she came in with you!”
Danger is very dangerous
Welcome to your 40s, your favorite songs are on the radio again. They call it classic rock now, but still.
Dating for me is like wearing cashmere, I think I can handle it, and then a few hours later I’m like, “Get it off of me!!!”
I talk a lot of shit for someone who just climbed out my passenger side door because there was a wasp on my window.
Maybe your grandma covered her furniture in plastic because she was a murderer. You don’t know for sure.
daddy yankee wouldn’t approve of these gasolina prices
I don’t mean to brag, but I do all my own auto repairs.
*turns up volume*
SEE! THE RATTLING SOUND IS COMPLETELY GONE!
Me: ‘I just want to do something spontaneous.’
Combustion: ‘We’ll see.’
Internet Company: What are your hours of availability so we can do your installation?
Me: Between 8am and 12pm
Internet Company: Great, we’ll be there between 12pm and 6pm
I started dating a lumberjack.
He’s a handsome feller.
If someone tells me, “no rush” then I’m basically never doing it.
Well, shit
me: hi, can you tell me which is the bride’s side?
lawyer: guests are not allowed at divorce proceedings
Me: “Would you like to go on a date?”
Her: “Yes”
Me: “Yeah, it’s cool, I was kind of kidding anyway.”
“Wait, what?!”
When you pick a name for your kid, type it in Microsoft Word first. If the red squiggly line shows up, please reconsider.
7 asks me every morning if i have to work and we do that 7 days a week no matter how much i explain to him. his excuse is “i’m just a 7 yo enjoying summer. i don’t know what day it is”.
RIDDLER: how’d you find my hideout?
BATMAN: a little birdie told me *winks*
SMALL BIRD MAN: *lands on his shoulder* please use my full name
Nancy Drew and the mystery of is this water or pee
– book #1 of parent series