I dropped a pill and while I was on the floor looking for it, I found a different, better, pill. So, that was cool.
You Might Also Like
Microwave:
Me: *waves back*
You can’t tell me to make mental health a priority and also keep putting calorie counts on restaurant menus.
SCROOGE: Oh great spirit…why are we at the Olive Garden?
GHOST OF CHRISTMAS PASTA: These guys have endless breadsticks
I’m no candle in the wind. I’m a flamethrower at a baby shower.
Murderer: what’s wrong?
Me: it really hurts
Murderer: oh sorry
*stabbing softens*
Got in a bar fight for calling celery ‘nature’s dental floss’
[broken down by the side of the road]
ME: I think it’s the carburetor.
WIFE: You sure?
ME: Absolutely.
WIFE: Do you even know what that is?
ME: Of course.
WIFE: What does a carburetor do?
ME: It carburetes.
My girlfriend said she bought the lingerie for me, but then got upset when I put it on… I dont get women.
wife: [holding our new puppy] aw, don’t scare him
me: there are 18 million vacant homes in the US, that’s enough for every homeless person to have six
puppy: holy shit
“I finally caught up with my son.”
“That’s good. Progress. How did it go?”
“Badly. I cut off his hand THEN told him.”– Vader & therapist
I hate when I’m getting a back rub & he stops 3 mins in & says “my thumbs hurt.” It’s not like I ever say “My jaw hurts.” I finish the job.
Victoria’s Secret, how may I help you?
Me: Yeah, um, I ordered the girl on page nine, but you guys only sent me her underpants?
GIRLFRIEND: I’m breaking up with you
ME: Is it because I thought cleavage was a period in history where they fought with only axes?
HER: Yes. Yes it is.
My neighbors are organizing something called a “fun run”. This shit never happened when I lived in my car.
i saw this and everything about it annoyed me so i’m posting it in hopes that it annoys you too
Coming out of the dressing room at a store…
Me: What do think?
Husband: I like the pants but not the shirt.
Me:
Husband:
Me: But this is my own shirt that I have been wearing all day 😐
me: why do you think my parents don’t love me
therapist: they’re pretty clear about it in the group chat
me: the what
My kids in public are direct payback for every time I shriek’d
PLEASE DON’T HIT ME AGAIN at my mom in the middle of a crowded mall as a kid.
Tai Chi in the streets. Chai Tea in the steeps.
5yo: I know what the middle finger means.
Me: What?
5yo: It’s bad.
Me: It’s alright. You can say it.
5yo: It means you want to fight god.
Protip: If a coworker tells you they had a dream about good versus evil, don’t ask which one were they.
Sorry I handed you a broom when you asked for a ride.
a horse standing on its tiptoes after seeing a giraffe
Me: I’ll take these shovels. Do you carry limes
Cashier: *suspicious* Do you mean lime?
Me: Which one goes in rum and coke?
Cashier: Limes
Me: The other one, the dead body one
You say no portion control, I say treating every meal like it’s your last
Boy, are you a protractor because with all your measured angles and collected numbers you’re such a transparent tool.
Being a mom means always wondering where that pee smell came from
Cop 1: You think Simon will escape?
Cop 2: Nah, he’s locked up in there good.
Simon: Simon Says free me.
Cop 1: Dang it, he got us.
I find it odd that when someone dies we refer to them as late, my late Aunt Polly. Aunt Polly isn’t late, she’s not coming.
I got a bracelet that posts where I ran, and how far to facebook, and I put it on a deer. So it just looks like I’m lost in the woods.