I bought a CD today.
Now I’m waiting for my carriage to take me home, because I have laundry to do at the river and butter to churn.
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It’s that time of year when the neighbors start longing for winter days because they’re tired of seeing me at the mailbox in my drawers.
me: ugh I’m so fat
him: babe no, it’s all in your head
me: oh great, I don’t even know any head exercises
teacher: your son doesn’t think that 6 is a number
me: oh lol totally forgot we told him that
What doesn’t kill you makes you tired af holy shit
If my name was Simon I would always talk in the third person when telling someone to do something.
“Good choices” – guy at the liquor store
Critical people b like: I’m not critical, I can just see faults better.
Just took my girlfriend to the movies and now I’m $10,000 in debt.
Man: I’d like to buy a fur coat please
Clerk: Sorry sir, this is a pet store
Man: I’d like to buy 200 gerbils please
By the age of 30 you should have a collection of grocery bags that you store in a grocery bag.
Please hold so I can transfer you to a supervisor and accidentally hang up on you.
Husband and I just heard a noise. Neither of us feels like investigating so we just said See ya on the other side.
I’ve been using special shampoo and I’ve noticed my hair is stronger, it benched 240lbs the other day
This is an emergency!
*Begs to borrow strangers phone
*starts scrolling through pics
HBO login: password must contain at least 8 characters, a number, an emoji, your college roommate’s maiden name, and a hieroglyph.
ATM: just any 4 numbers.
I’m uncomfortable around tall people. what if they pick me up and put me on their shoulders
the biggest red flag in a relationship to me is when a partner tries to open the mysterious locked closet in my study with the doorknob that’s always somehow freezing cold after i’ve explicitly forbidden them from doing so! that or they like a movie that i don’t like
i remember one time i flew spirit and there was a medical emergency and the flight attendants asked if there was a doctor aboard and this old man woke up from his nap and said “ain’t no doctors flying spirit”
I know how to share fries even if others do not. I am a bear.
I don’t even care if it’s a scam. Just the thought that a Nigerian prince took the time to write me a personal note has really made my day.
If you watch Titanic backwards it’s about a boy named Jack who leaves his underwater home, saves a rich lady, puts a sinking ship back together through sheer power of will and then becomes super poor and dirty
The best way to save money on dental floss is by having your dentist remove every second tooth so your toothbrush fits between the gaps, instead.
Tune in tomorrow for another secret the Illuminati don’t want you to know.
Packs of underwear come in a resealable zip lock bag and STILL I have to use a chip clip to close my cereal bag with. Wtf.
I’m trying to send the zombie apocalypse but the zombies say they’d rather starve.
host: hello and welcome to another episode of “terrible at social interactions”. let’s meet our first contestant that don’t talk so good, sam. tell us a little bit about yourself sam
sam: yeah and you as well
host:
sam:
host: killer job sammy boy
[At dinner]
Daughter: Daddy, how much of this meatball is meat?
Me: Probably like 90%
D: So it’s 10% balls?
Me: *spits out food*
“At your cervix, m’lady”
– me as an OBGYN and also just me
Brain: She’s cute, talk to her…
Me: but what should I say?
Brain: ask her if she likes meat…
Me: What?
Brain: c’mon man, do it…
I’m becoming psychic. Looking at a dusty exercise machine and I see a yard sale in its near future.