I enjoy quaint, old-fashioned customs like being nice to people.
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me: three breakfast sandwiches, two everything bagels, four chocolate donuts, and coffee
drive-thru person: how many coffees?
me: one please
I stepped on my cat’s tail & now he’s on the phone with his lawyer trying to press charges.
[Dorothy, years after Oz, recounting her adventures to her grandchildren]
DOROTHY: *Smiles warmly* When I was your age, I murdered a woman and stole her shoes.
Pouring a bucket of white marbles into the hippo pen will result in a lifetime ban from the zoo no matter how hungry they looked.
[Sees restaurant is packed]
*Pays hostess $20 to read note*“Attn patrons there is a vintage yard sale across the street”
*Hipsters clear*
Don’t tell me I’m not spontaneous. I didn’t plan that nap at all.
ME: And now to test my greatest invention, the cowtapult!
COW: M
O
O
o
o
o
o
。
。
.
.
.
.
.
“2! 4! 6! 8! Who do we appreciate?
Nobody!!!! Hahahahahaha!”
-Teenagers
I never claimed to have all the answers. I said two. I have two answers. There’s a guy in Nebraska who has six. Go bother him.
I love my 5yr old dearly, but if he keeps saying “Dark” Vader I may have to sell him.
Them: Can you help me?
Me: I don’t work here.
Them: Oh, sorry. *leaves*
My boss: You need to stop doing that.
Every country has a wafer cookie, and every country thinks they invented it
I am not a show off and don’t brag about going to expensive places, but just left the gas station with the tank full. 😆
“VROOM VROOM! VROOM VROOM VROOM! SCREECH!” – Entire script for Fast and the Furious 6
[driving]
ME: Can I have some of your fries?
SON: No.
ME: *hits brakes*
[fries go flying]
ME: Now nobody has fries.
You can’t live on Cheetos and Oreos alone.
But God knows I’ve tried.
If by “junk in the trunk” you mean the untouched gym bag I store there, then yes, I most certainly have junk in my trunk.
Them: “Live in the moment!”
Me: “HAVE YOU SEEN THIS MOMENT?”
A guy on TV opened a bag of chips and my dog came running into the living room thinking it was me so now she’s playing with a ball she found and is acting like that’s what she wanted all along
Me: Santa, why are women so scary?
Santa: dude come on, I make $8.50 an hour, get off me.
An alien abduction but it’s just my kid shining a flashlight in my face in the middle of the night asking if I’m awake.
kid: mom, have you seen my bag of candy?
mom: i ate it
kid: what?! mom i walked 7 blocks for that
mom: *glaring* i was in labor for day and a half when i had you
kid: oh god no i-
mom: *stepping closer* i pooped on the doctor’s hand
IN CASE OF FIRE BREAK GLASS
*breaks glass*
*a glazed honey ham pops out*
“Nice nice”
[inside a tornado]
Dad: wind’s really pickin up
Pro Tip: If you stand outside a restaurant wearing a red jacket, people will literally just give you their car.
reminiscing fondly on my College roomy Vincent who, when told by the RAs that lava lamps are fire hazard banned from the dorms, replied “guys relax it’s not real lava”
Only marriage can turn an incorrectly folded towel into an act of war.
There is no such thing as a hamburger. There are only sad cheeseburgers who are missing their cheese.
No one:
Me: “The word “Militia” just sounds like Sean Connery saying the name Melissa.”
[Rock Paper Scissors]
Rock: As if a scrap of paper could hurt me.
*Paper unfolds itself, revealing a message*
YOUR PARENTS NEVER LOVED YOU