Dear people who combine Christmas and birthday gifts,
WE HATE YOU!
Sincerely,
Everyone born in December.
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I like my coffee so strong that it fails a drug test.
It’s possible to suck at everything if you put your mouth to it.
Friend: Man, it’s hot. Thank god for AC, right?
Me: I don’t have air conditioning.
Friend: How do you stay cool?
Me: *Slips on sunglasses & leather jacket; vapes; engages Heelys and rolls away*
Friend: Holy shit.
While I appreciate your candor, I am not sure what you propose I do with my opinion is physically possible.
Apparently you can build quite a reputation if you go to all the Christian bookshops and ask if they carry Harry Potter.
In my next life, I’m coming back as a baby
*Killer sneaks into my house to murder me but sees me practicing karate w/ my big stuffed dog I won from the carnival and changes his mind*
If you’re not sure how to reply in a conversation, just ask “In what context?” to buy time & let the person rattle on for another half hour.
Me: Being a healthy adult is getting a full 8hrs sleep
Boss: But not while you’re supposed to be working
You’re born, you grow up, you start listening to a Pink Floyd song, you get married, have kids, you die, the song hasn’t finished.
You ever watch a scary movie and then go to bed but need to watch cartoons first as a palate cleanser?
Today i convinced my brother for a full minute that the Beatles wrote “blackbird” about Batman
I saved $38 by moving the fish tank in front of the TV during “Ellen” and telling my kids it was Finding Dory.
Son, “Something wicked this way comes.”
-me, walking into the kitchen
Wife: Why don’t you buy me flowers?
Me: I didn’t realise you sold them. Also why are you talking like a pirate?
How long can you soak pots & pans in your sink?
Please say 12 years
*mob meeting*
ayo new guy—who’re you?“they call me the butcher”
oh yea? why’s that, butch?
*smacks him with a pork loin* “no reason”
…a dentist on a toothpaste commercial with stethoscope around neck…, if my dentist started to listen to my heart I would freak out.
I wore pink pants to work today and multiple people thought I was not wearing pants at first glance. So what I’m saying is…I am so classy that several people considered that I may have been pantsless. At work.
Have you tried complaining about it for hours?
I wish you’d told me you were happy just flirting on twitter. I’ve already bought plane tickets and murdered my wife.
When people tell me I have the body of a 25 yr old, I’m unsure if it’s a compliment, or they finally unearthed the oil drums in my backyard.
Aging is the worst. I miss the good ol’ days when my pain was strictly emotional.
Abraham Lincoln is trending. Congrats to his social media team.
Husband: Why is your Facebook relationship status “it’s complicated”?
Me: …
“DO YOU KNOW WHERE YOU ARE? YOU’RE IN THE JUNGLE GYM, BABY! AGES THREE TO NIIIIINNNNE!” – Axl Rose, playground monitor.
SIRI, CALL FOR HELP! Searching for kelp. OMGYOU IDIOT! SIRI, GET AN AMBULANCE! There are 23 listings for lap dance in your area.
Pharmacist: How can I help you?
Me: I’d like to see a menu.
ME: Well, time to make like a tree, and leaf.
HER: *giggling* So, my place or…
ME: *starts sprouting leaves from my fingers*
HER: WHAT THE
My kids devour food so quickly that my fridge has been broken for two months and nobody realized.