99% of my Dad’s excellent driving record is due to the defensive driving skills of other motorists.
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landlord is raising our rent 9.5% I think I’ll start burying all of my garbage in the backyard
Alien: did you just call me daddy
Me: I don’t get probed much
good friend is late 20s. in shape, has £10,000 a year, lives in a fine house with some of the finest woods in the country. but he’s consistently ghosted, ignored, or told “you’re the last man in the world i could be prevailed upon to marry.” modern women are broken.
It’s frowned upon to loudly laugh in Hawaii.
You have to keep it to a low ha.
#RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts #DadJokes
[ordering pizza alone]
Yeah I’d like a large pepperoni and
*changes voice*
A medium sausage
*changes voice again*
Another large pepperoni
[napping on couch]
Daughter: dada wanna play cops and robbers?
Me: ok I’ll be the cops.
Daughter: you have to chase me.
Me: I can’t.
Daughter: why?
Me: FBI took over the case from me [eyes still closed] nothing I could do.
Daughter: [under breath] stupid feds.
When my laptop asks “Are you sure?”, it’s because it still remembers all of the other bad decisions I have made.
My husband put a few of his items in my luggage. I can’t believe after 31 years I am still dealing with this shit. It’s like he has no idea how selfish I am.
I’m white, but not “gets eaten by a shark” white.
sometimes when I get negative feedback I’m like “hey….only I get to talk to myself that way”.
My youngest is like a dog
She can spot a bad personality from a mile away and she also may bite you
I’m in a weird place in life because I’m not ready to get married, but I am ready to drag some cans behind my car
COP: “Sir, do you know why I pulled you over?”
ME: “It was way easier than solving a murder?”
I can’t deal with men any longer
Me: we can stay at the playground a little longer
3: for forever?! Yay!!
Me: for five more minutes
3: *bursts into tears*
“want to go grab some dinner?”
*lights cat on fire* sorry I can’t my cats on fire
Me: Are you ready for your spelling test?
6-year-old: I know all the words.
Me: Good.
6: Just not all the letters in them.
My therapist says “being eaten by a bear” is not a “goal”.
I like older men because their sense of humour was shaped before Family Guy was popular
Me: Whatcha doin’?
5: Whatcha doin’?
Me: Are you copying me?
5: Are you copying me?
Me: I’m adopted
5: I’m adop- WHAT?
okay so let’s say one hypothetically walked outside and a frog landed on their shoulder. when shall they expect the locusts and boils?
At the donut store this morning I point to a photo on the wall and ask “is this a Mapplethorpe print?” The guy asks me how I can recognize art like that. I tell him “I’m an art nerd.” He says “well I’m a donut nerd so I have no idea.”
Are you supposed to wear your Fitbit in the shower? I’m looking to break this thing as quickly as possible and need advice.
Her: *hands me her baby*
Me: *drops it*
Her:
Me: So, is there like a five second rule or…?
People should be able to call in healthy: “Look, I’m not coming into the office today. I feel really good and I don’t want to waste it on being at work “
I’ve reached the point in my marriage that my husband fell asleep on the couch and OMG I AM SO EXCITED I GET THE BED ALL TO MYSELF
I swear to god if my memory was any worse I could *bonk* WHO THREW THAT BOOMERANG?
Are you on a Wanted Poster, because you are sketchy as hell…
*watching our 7yo’s softball game*
Me: Where’s our kid?
Him: The one dancing
Me: Ah, yes