I love people who order coffee like they’re giving the pass code to a missile defense system.
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Ever have an itch you just can’t seem to scratch? That’s a past life itch…probably cuz you were a donkey
keep your friends close but your smartphone closer
I see stand-up comedy as a stepping stone to television. A few more paid gigs and I’ll be able to afford a television.
Just realized that my spirit animal is Winnie the Pooh.
Two words: No pants.
My security system is just a bunch of my unpaid bills taped to my front door
I pulled a hamstring and a pig fell from the ceiling and gave me a hug
I’m never more independent than when a spider offers to help me with something.
When I say “we’ll see” there’s a 100% chance it’s not happening. I might throw in an “oooooo that sounds fun” for decoration but it’s still not happening…😁
Someone in my neighborhood is unsuccessfully trying to throw away a garbage can. Week 1, taped paper note on it. Week 2, spray-painted huge note on it. Week 3, still spray-painted, added paper note back, and laid it sideways on top of other garbage bags. I’ll keep you posted.
Cauliflower pretzels? Do you know what either of those words mean?
what do you get when you cross an octopus with a human?
thrown in jail for public indecency and banned from the aquarium for life.
[first day as flight attendant]
me: DOES ANYBODY KNOW HOW TO FLY A PLANE
passengers: *screaming*
pilot: yes I do
me: ohthankgod
TSA: Sir, you can’t bring that bottle of whiskey on the flight.
Me: Um, this is my Service Whiskey. See his little vest?
TSA: ….
Sneaking alcohol into work is pretty easy if you put it in your stomach first.
“babe, lauren. you always act like this when you do gin shots. you’re causing a scene”
Alright, Mr. “In good times and in bad” I just painted my finger nails and I gotta pee. Let’s go.
[supermarket]
Woman, to hubs: There’s no such thing as too much cheese!
Me: *peels a cheddar slice from my emergency roll*
M: *writes my cell number on it* I like your style babe, call me
M: *eats the cheese* DAGNABBIT!
M: *peels a cheddar slice from…
Still thinking about a student I had years ago who asked if a paper was due at 4pm or 4am
Detective: I’m gonna need an interpreter, who killed that man
Frat boy: bruh like straight up this dude low key swooped in here, yeeted his life away and skeeted
Interpreter: I can’t help u dude
Are you turned on?
Switch I might be!
Him: I love to feel my hair blowing in the breeze
Me: please put your pants back on
You’re 15 and miss the 90’s? Yeah, I’m sure those were the best 2 years of your life. Shitting in your pants and eating dirt.
For anyone who says parents can’t have Friday night fun, I’m at Target right now buying toilet paper.
So, yeah, you’re right.
*NEW*
For BOXERS in the ring.
For lawyers writing BRIEFS.
For guitarists plucking G-STRINGS.PUNderwear ®
Comfort is No Laughing Matter™
ME: thanks for “showing me the ropes” lol
SAILING INSTRUCTOR: you’re not even making a joke sailing is literally where that comes from
Night terrors are cool and all, but why wait?
Roses are red, violets are fine, I’ll be the 6 if you’ll be the 9.
This is the tale of Callie who started a service to provide fortune telling and hypnotism while driving people around. As time went on her clairvoyance weakened but her suggestive power grew.
She’s…..
Uber Callie fragile mystic expert at hypnosis
Remember last year, when Biden pardoned those Thanksgiving turkeys and the next day they robbed a liquor store?
Friend: “Any plans this weekend?”
Me: “I’m going to Alcoholics Unanimous.”
Friend: “I think you mean ‘Anonymous’.”
Me: “Nope.”