in today’s episode of ‘how strong is your marriage’ we take a trip to Home Depot to pick out a shade of white
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[3am]
My demon: [dragging me down rabbit hole with me kicking and screaming]
Also my demon: there will be cookies
Me: say no more!
11yo son just walked by.
If Axe was a drug, I’d be stoned right now.
COWORKER: donuts in the break room want me to grab you one?
ME: no thanks i’m on a diet
CW: are you sur-
M: OK BUT I’LL JUST HAVE THREE
Flight attendant: all we’ve got to watch is air bud
Me: I know how windows work pal
Them: If you could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead…
Me: I’d want to be alive.
My biology teacher asked what the function of carbohydrates were, but apparently “filling the deep well of sadness inside of me” was incorrect.
Watching two cows do naughty things to each other in a bush. They been reading the Farmer Sutra lol
I’m having a garage sale & hope people I’ve borrowed things from don’t come.
chiropractor: so how’s your back been?
backstreet: alright
First date idea: you buy me a castle in Scotland
My tweets use many of the same letters as Shakespeare.
Grandparents these days decide to be called things like Nana or Papa or Mimi but why stop there? I’m going to make my grandkids call me Bobcat.
I asked my boyfriend what he wanted for his birthday and he said 20 dollars
mom, did you know there are more kids than teachers at my school?
-my 7 year old making the best of her public education
If you wake me with a text at 5am, I will answer you because I’m helpful but the answer will be that night at 2am because I’m also vengeful.
bring me a higher love. you have 24 hours. no cops.
Me at age 5 “I wish I had a $1”
Me at age 10 “I wish I had $100”
Me at age 17 “I wish I had $1,000,000”
Me at age 26 “I wish I had $1”
Yes, Karen, I know that exercise is a great stress reliever. I’ll have you know that I power walked to the freezer aisle in the store to get this ice cream before they closed.
i need a six-month vacation twice a year
Why does the crematorium sound so delicious?
JUDGE: state your name for the court
ME: Juan
JUDGE: and your last
ME: Agofree
JUDGE: so, Juan Agofree?
ME: *bangs gavel* case dismissed
Just pretended to not know what a Cheeto was to get an extra sample at Costco
And Satan said “Let them drink instant coffee”.
The worst thing about turning up at the ER drunk at 4am is explaining to the nurse that my 9 year old drove here.
I quit my job yesterday. Lucky for me I didn’t tell anybody and I was able to go to work this morning when I got up
The neighbors left a perfectly good doll at the curb with their trash and I’ve seen enough horror movies to know to leave it there.
Bloody internet 😳
My five year old keeps saying creditor when he means predator, and I can’t bring myself to correct him because tbh it works.
Me : I just ELECTROCUTED myself
Wife: How SHOCKING, how do you CURRENTLY feel ?
Me : I’m kind of AMPED.
Wife : WATT, I can’t hear you
Me : I said it HERTZ a lot.
Just spent 5 minutes scratching my back against a post and now I have the sudden urge to hibernate for winter.