Missing someone is tough but you move on eventually & I’m no longer allowed to chaperone field trips.
You Might Also Like
First day of summer vacation so I told my kids to propose a daily chore list and a fair compensation system and long story short, I just got home from work and I guess I already owe them $725 and a trip to Disneyland.
Boss: I need that report by noon
Me: Consider it done[2pm]
Boss: Where’s that report?
Me: Huh? I thought we’d agreed to consider it done?
Mouthwash is too spicy!
*waters it down with Mayonnaise*
If I don’t post proof of my bubble bath…did it even actually happen.
Good Will Hunting (2018): Dystopian movie about a near future in which everyone with an ounce of good will is mercilessly hunted and killed.
Me to pregnant friend: Instead of practicing on a doll, I recommend you try to bathe, diaper, and swaddle a cat.
Friend: [exaggerated eye roll]
***6 months later***
Friend: Why didn’t anyone prepare me for reality?
Me: … [whispers] meow.
Me: time to sleep
Brain: You have zero skills that would be useful in an apocalypse so when they start to ration food supplies, people will eat you
i married for love
but the obvious side benefit of having someone around to find my glasses cannot be ignored
The software development process
i can’t fix this
*crisis of confidence*
*questions career*
*questions life*oh it was a typo, cool
I was just trying on the floral romper for fun but then the sales associate asked if my daughter was my sister and now I’m out $140.
If you ever see me wearing anything fur lined or faux fur, please punch the person I’m with in the face. I’ve been kidnapped & need saved!!
me: i want a girlfriend so badly
them: u have to start going on dates
me: seems excessive
Cat Burglar (noun)
: a burglar who is adept at entering and leaving the burglarized place without attracting notice
🐈⬛😂🖤
Not to brag, but my kids just unloaded the entire dishwasher without me asking, or without them noticing that the dishwasher had not been run.
Naked and not afraid to dance in front of a large crowd.
Unrelated: Ambien is not candy.
being in a club at my age feels more like i’m being set-up for an episode of “To Catch a Predator”
My professor just told me that if we get a whiff of smoke it’s because another professor put the papers he was grading in the microwave to rid them of any chance of Corona Virus & then the papers caught on fire… I can’t make this stuff up people
Caveman: I have discovered fire
Village: yayyyyy
Caveman: it’s burning all our stuff
Village: booooo
I dream of living in a world where men are judged not by the color of their skin, but by the contents of their iPod.
burglar tip: do NOT steal the clear freezer gemstones they’ll melt in ur pockets & make it look like u peed urself all ur friends will laugh
british waiter: what topping would ye fancy on yer pizza?
british guy: tea
british waiter: jolly good choice
[both laugh britishingly]
Looking back, my financial health took a turn for the worse right after I broke my piggy bank.
For sale: Baby, won’t stop selling its shoes.
I’m just saying, who could afford murder hornets in THIS economy? 2020 had a backer, and I’d like to see some receipts, CHARMIN.
I told my mom I dreamt I was an autumn leaf and she thought that was super weird, so you can see why I hesitate to mention the portal opening up behind the spice rack.
Very tired of the NSA reading my tweets and not retweeting them.
Minister: Should anyone present know of a reason why this couple should not be joined in holy matrimony, speak now, or…
Me: I’m so glad you asked, she still hasn’t returned two of my favorite Tupperware containers.
Just stopped myself from thinking about this group of crows I saw last night when I realized that I was contemplating a murder.
Don’t mess with me. I come from a generation that would walk to a mail box to mail a letter if we were angry enough with you.
that moment when your spouse asks if you’re listening and yes is not the right answer but no is also not the right answer