My fitness instructer keeps asking if I squat.
No Gary..I rent. I’m not a hobo.
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Cop: Sir…
I know, I know. Why is my dog dri-
Cop: WHY IS YOUR DOG DRIVING
I threw the ball too far during fetch
Cop: Fair enough
Me: *closes Bible, takes long, hard look at neighbor’s ox*
50 Shades of Yellow. #SpongebobMovie #SuperBowl
what idiot called it tinted windows instead of a drug car tell
It’s been a really expensive month for the last 125 months.
That depressing moment when you thought a hot chick was checking you out in the beer aisle but only to find out she was just a cardboard cutout.
“We’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty.”
I was going to clean my house but decided to stop inviting people over instead
[reflecting on past]
“Ah, yes. I see what the problem is. See all of this?”
*gestures at everything*
“All of this is wrong.”
me: i really messed up this time. we’re in deep with the cartel.
my wife: how much money do you owe pampered chef this time?
DOORDASH: imagine a $12 sandwich
ME: Damn I bet it’s so good
DOORDASH: now imagine you can have it for just $27
NEMESIS: We must fight to the death!
ME (fully aware I’m going to lose): oh thank god
My 4 year old walks around the house with a walkie talkie clipped on his pants like he’s here installing high speed internet.
I’ll get a 5-mile queue at my coffin but it will be all collection agencies making sure I’m really dead.
cops: neighbours reported sounds of a struggle
**i begin to weep as I glance at my skinny jeans**
Dentist: this is gonna hurt a little bit
Me: ok
Dentist: I’ve been sleeping with your mom
Hey Hotels! Stop keeping decaf coffee in the rooms. If I’m late and need to rush out the last thing I need is a cup of zero energy water that tastes like the Great Depression.
What’sApp
Me: Mom, what’s for dinner?
Mom : typing …*gets married*
*have kids*
*gets old*
*dies*
*goes to hell*Mom: Fish, honey!
News said how hard it’d be to shoplift a turkey.
Amateurs. It’s all about commitment.
*stuffs turkey under shirt*
*whines that back hurts*
Genie: you have three wishes.
Me: i want a million wishes.
Genie: oh you’re one of those. Hey Jim! Come on out front! We’ve got one of those back again!
Turns out I can hold my breath with a pillow over my face way longer than an old person. Innocent mistake..
Him: Maybe you should start counting your calories
Me: Maybe you should start counting your days
The full recap of tonight’s events can be heard on my wife’s podcast, “What kind of idiot doesn’t cover the chili before microwaving it?”
“Whoa nice car”
Thanks. I dropped 40K on a new set of wheels
[whispers to friend] “What kind of idiot spends $40,000 on tires”
[uses 225 gallons of water to clean out peanut butter jar for recycling]
[Writing Batman theme]
WRITER: So it starts by saying “Batman.”
PRODUCER: Well that makes sense, just once?
WRITER: 23 times.
PRODUCER:
WRITER: Then you just make noise for awhile.
PRODUCER:
WRITER
PRODUCER:
WRITER: Then you say Batman again.
When I die I want a memorial bench with a plaque that simply says ‘WET PAINT’ because I don’t want people sitting on my bench.
I’m voting for whoever my cat thinks I should and my vote counts just as much as yours
Wife:
I’m
*pause*
leaving
*pause*
you.Me: Is it because I’m always on this trampoline?
Don’t drink water and stay hydrated it’s a hoax