I love April Fools’ Day. It’s the only day of the year when people are skeptical of things they read on the internet.
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My baby bump popped this week, and I’m still waiting for the maternity clothes I ordered to arrive. If you see me walking around looking like Winnie the Pooh, just mind ya business.
The five second rule doesn’t apply to babies. You can pick them up anytime after dropping.
I picked up one of my son’s school masks and it had a horrific red mess inside and before I could even put words to my fears he said “I dropped a meatball in it.”
[pregnant with first child]
Wife: our daughter is only going to eat organic, non-gmo, non-processed foods and drink volcanic rock filtered water from the island of Atlantis.
[two years later]
Me: our daughter just licked Cheeto crumbs off the floor.
Wife: she’s fine.
Look, we’ve all dreamed of seeing a car caught on a rising bollard. Don’t pretend you haven’t.
It’s so hot at work I need to wear as little clothes as possible without being sent to HR
Me: Yay! No more periods!
Menopause: Wait, here’s a beard.
Misinterpreted some rabbit prints in the snow and told my scout troop to look out for babies running at 35mph.
Growing up,
I knew my Mom meant business when she started yelling words I didn’t know existed.
Marriage is not a noun; it’s a verb.
Kinda like crying, screaming, or dying.
in case you were wondering how things are going these days for the generation that attended kindergarten exclusively via zoom…
our 6yo has started surreptitiously playing wordle on his school-issued chromebook while in class and skyping us his score
Intelligence is the new cleavage
It’s adorable when you give someone an informed opinion that they completely dismiss and then someone else basically says the exact same thing and now it’s a brilliant idea they’ve never heard before.
*peels off yoga pants to reveal even yogier pants*
I HAVE FINALLY MET MY DREAM MAN
Me:*spends 4hrs comparing gift prices on several sites to save $4*
Also Me: *spends $33 on pizza because I shopped too long to cook $6 chicken*
girlfriend: [seductively] is there anything new you’d like to try in bed
me: maybe spaghetti but I’d probably make a mess
They say 1 out of every 5 humans is Chinese.
Out of me and my 4 siblings, I’m pretty sure it’s either Carl or Liu Yang.
MAYOR: I now present you a key to the city
ME: So long, suckers!
*hops in city and drives away*
MAYOR: Come back! I need that for work!
Her idea of extending an olive branch was to sharpen one end first, then extend it REALLY hard.
My wife took a bunch of my clothes to make a scarecrow today and seeing it come together I realized I dress like a scarecrow.
“I could probz bench press, like, five of you”-me talking to a cool squirrel I just met
I’m no fan of watching a train wreck, unless that train is pulling boxcars full of delicious delicious Raisin Bran®️
Hostage: [screaming]
Mafia boss: hurry up and tape his mouth!
Me: [still trying to find the beginning of the tape on the roll]
WEIGHT LOSS TIP: Put your chips into a bowl instead of eating out of the bag. That way, you’ll get lots of exercise going back to the kitchen to fill up the bowl 10 times as you eat the entire bag.
Ironically, having a child makes you swear more, not less.
Me: I’ve had a long day. Make it a double.
Nurse administering the Covid shot: What?
Dear waiter,
You messed up my order because you didn’t write it down. I employed your strategy while calculating the tip.
Love,
David
ME: Very funny.
GENIE: It’s what you asked for.
ME: You’re such an asshole.
GENIE: You said you wanted a-
ME: 27 foot yacht. Yeah, I get it.
*Walks into brothel*
One chicken soup to go please