Me: I don’t know…this one has a great turning radius but the other one just looks better.
Husband: For God’s sake, just grab the next available shopping cart!
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Before you get involved with another person, ask yourself: Is this someone I can see myself cropping out of pictures later?
My spirit animal is this 9 yo, so calm and polite during girl sleepover drama, who just told me “literally, nothing is interesting to me”.
Googling “Can computer problems be caused by too many boogers in the keyboard?”
Hey kids, please don’t wash the 13 glasses you’ve already left in the sink. Just grab a clean one next time you’re thirsty.
If you put a drier sheet in your car’s visor, your car will smell fresh for days
[Looks under visor]
Hey wait a minute this is a slice of ham
Be kind to strangers. One of them could end up being your coroner.
I saw a sign that said falling rocks so I tried and it doesn’t
Interviewer: If you get this job what will you bring to the team?
Me: cake…I’ll bring cake
Me: When the edibles kick in
Everyone: You forgot to attach a picture or a gif
Me: Exactly
Peace was never an option
Crime would drop to 0% if police uniforms were scary clown costumes. “Put your hands up and state your favorite balloon animal!”
My 20 y.o. son: Mom, if you were in Star Wars, do you think you’d be on the light side or the dark side?
Me: I’d probably be the mom whose son abandoned her to stay a slave on a desert planet after he won a flying car race.
Slave1: I never knew my parents
Slave2: same
Moses: I was put in a basket & placed in a river
Slave1: do baskets float?
Moses: they do not
*5 people I know walk right past me at the store*
Me: *patting mask* thank you
Coworker : I just like to go with the flow.
Me : Flow away, I’m busy.
Beyonce is a great actress because there is no way she has the time or energy to have the kind of sex she sings about.
The marriage rate has been trending downward. Choreographed wedding dances may be the reason.
Friend: you should come over tonight. we’re watching ‘How to Train Your Dragon 2’
Me:
Friend:
Me: to what?
Friend:
My rose versus your carnation.
FLORAL COMBAT!
The toddler has started to understand more of my BAD language. So my swear words have become a bit more PG… Fudgesicles! Oh Sugar! Sweet Nibblets! Holy Guacamole!
Basically, swearing now makes me hungry.
Man Who Didn’t Order Anything Online Still Checks Name On Package Just In Case Amazon Sent Him A Little Present
“What if you fell down a mountainside but on purpose?” -the invention of skiing
Who needs Botox when some discreetly placed scotch tape and social distancing are a thing.
Lois: Why can’t I find a boyfriend like you?
Superman: What about that Clark fellow? He seems cool
Lois: Who? Speccy McSpecface?
Superman:
Lois: Are you crying?
Asked my wife if I was going to get a “tip” for driving her around today.
She laughed and laughed.
Apparently so hard, she got a headache.
Don’t ring my doorbell unless you’re accompanied by a camera crew and holding balloons & a big check.
Never be a pizza!
My wife and I have a rule whoever is driving controls the radio, unless I’m driving and then she controls the radio.
What should we call our new store?
“Will we sell pottery?”
No.
“Is it in a barn?”
No.
“Let’s go with Pottery Barn.”
Hell, I love it Carl.
I posted a selfie and someone commented “Oh my! That was brave.”.