Boss: We’ve just found out that one of you is a sloth
Jim: oh no
Jo: oh no
Karl: oh no
Boss: obviously we will need to
Me: oh no
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I walked outside and my glasses fogged up so I went inside to switch to contacts and stay there until October.
this has to be peak English
inventor of the bow and arrow:
I will now demonstrate my exciting new technique for pointing at someone who is very very far away-OH NO
I’m never hungrier than when someone says they’re paying
Liverpool sounds like the most disgusting place in the world to hold a swim meet.
Sorry I used the word flaccid twice in your wedding toast.
him: it’s what’s inside that counts
me: are you going to keep going on about the abacus I swallowed?
My cousin’s kid had some raffle at her school, I have no idea what for, all I know is she asked me to buy a ticket, so I did, long story short I now own a crossbow.
Sure Xfinity internet service is overpriced and spotty but you can’t put a price on unintentionally being dropped from every Zoom meeting.
Air pods looking like an angry frog
Halfway through my stand-up routine I started getting heckled. The crowd shouted such insults as “This sucks” and “Stop it” and “Why are you doing this to us, Mom?”
Is LSD illegal or just frowned upon? Asking for a giant purple rabbit.
Cool. Work is offering a webinar called Why Sleep Matters, and it takes place Friday at 5am.
Be yourself; everyone else is already Batman.
This Viagra show looks cool but they keep cutting away to football
Do nudists have anxiety dreams where they show up to events clothed?
Finally watching Michael Bay’s TMNT. Best part so far is a dude answering a Skype call and yelling “How did you get this number?!?”
When I accidentally open a message I never wanted to reply.
Did you know there’s a type of spider that eats snails and uses the shell as armor to attack birds? That’s not true. I’m sorry.
Women do things I can’t even imagine doing: give birth, close cabinet doors, etc.
If anyone needs help communicating with their teen daughter,
I am officially fluent in sigh.
Me: Who’s a good boy? WHO’S A GOOD BOY? Who wants a belly rub? WHO WANTS A BELLY RUB?
Client: Can I get a different massage therapist?
Me: I love you so much
Calories: I love you more
Since the day he was born, I always expected my kid to grow up to be smarter, funnier, and more successful than me.
I just didn’t expect him to do this by age 6.
[Me as a babysitter]
ME: *rings the parents* We have a problem. I picked up your son David from school and he seems freaked out
HER: My son is Robert
ME: We have 2 problems
What if aliens watch our movies about aliens and then invade accordingly in hopes of fitting in with our culture?
just got back from time traveling to get hitler kicked out of art school because i hated his paintings. you guys probably don’t even know who I’m talking about huh
screaming until I turn this migraine into an us-graine 😉
The only fantasy I have in the bedroom these days is getting 7 hours of sleep.
“How did you get those scars?”
[Flashback to me running into a glass door]
They’re from Cage fighting.