7-11 CLERK: what are you doing
ME: *staring at the hot dogs on the metal rollers* watching the oscars
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Research suggests that when someone disagrees with you, you should speak faster so they have less time to process what you’re saying.
Did you hear that John Travolta might have the coronavirus? He has chills that were multiplying.
I’ll see myself out.
Dracula: well? do I have any cavities?
Dentist: *using tiny mirror* hmm I… I can’t tell
[first day as a riot cop]
chief: disperse the crowd
me:
T HC R E
O D
W
Glass caskets: will they become popular?
Remains to be seen.
Need special medicine for our son’s kidneys but we can’t afford it because we bought printer ink last week 🙁
The retirement age needs to be lowered to 50. I’ve had enough!
it’s Thanksgiving day. i’m carving a turkey. “ahem” i hear from across the house. it’s my old violin instructor. i sigh and then pick up the turkey, put it under my chin and continue an elegant sawing motion. she nods with approval.
An app that makes your phone ring whenever someone asks “so what’s next for you”
I’m going to throw up in my cat’s bed and see how she likes it
It’s so weird that AI applications keep getting forced on us even though they barely work. It’s like if when potato chips hit the market, every bag was half full of pencil shavings.
My wife is still mad about the time I seductively went under the covers…slid off the end of the bed…and then army crawled out of the bedroom.
Now that’s a Halloween costume! 🤩
Apparently I’m not giving my toddler enough food because she’s trying to eat our fridge magnets
the concept of a courtroom sketch artist is so funny to me. here’s our little murder doodler
This should not be this funny I am sorry😭😭😭
Rachel Ray now makes cat food with real beef just like the cows my cat would eat in the wild.
Nothing says “high-functioning alcoholic” like being really good at darts.
Me accidentally flirting: Cute, sounds sincere, somehow gives the illusion of confidence.
VS
Me intentionally flirting: “WANT TO HUG? YOUR FACE GOOD. VERY EVEN”
People call me a “Trekkie” but I’m not, I’ve only seen Star Wars a couple of times
Sci-Fi Author: In my book I invented the Torment Nexus as a cautionary tale
Tech Company: At long last, we have created the Torment Nexus from classic sci-fi novel Don’t Create The Torment Nexus
I’m not saying I’ve got a girl crush on you, I’m just saying lesbiadorable together.
My 3-year-old said, “Daddy, you’re big & strong like a garbage truck.” Thanks, I think. I often view of myself as a mobile trash receptacle.
I took the kids to an orchard in the country today, where we crossed paths with a friendly and very handsome man who was fixing the wiring in one of the gazebos. Now I’m worried we stumbled into a Hallmark movie by mistake.
the first time my brother got covid, he decided to shave his head and tell everyone it was one of the symptoms, which was just so wrong yet so very very funny
The Weeknd is Canadian, he should be adding letters to his name not removing them
I’m 37 and from the Midwest, every man I know is named Matthew, I’m going to need you to be more specific.
-Me when my mom say she saw Matthew today.
Coffee in the morning
More coffee at night
Coffee in the afternoon
Unless you wanna fight
My kids were complaining they couldn’t find a tv programme to watch so I told them how little choice there was when I was a kid and 5 rolled her eyes and said “things have changed in the last 100 years mummy” and went back to scrolling
My problem is that I always have really amazing bad ideas.