Wife really liked the “sex anytime, anywhere” coupon I gave her. Probably should have specified “with me”
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Me: *runs up* if anyone asks, we’re friends. just be cool.
Dog: *wags tail*
Me: oh you’re good.
I hate when my kids and I can’t agree on where we are going for Sunday breakfast, but I love that we all agree I’m not making it.
Today I was on the treadmill for over an hour. I was so pleased with my progress that tomorrow I might actually turn it on
My husband just made me watch a documentary about pizza while I can’t get pizza delivered and this is why the divorce rate is going to be so high after this shit
How to fall downstairs……
Step 1
Step 6
Step 9,10,11,12
Nothing makes me scream louder during sex than when my husband calls to let me know he’s on his way home from work.
Don’t go chasing waterfalls. Pretend to be disinterested. Wait several days to call the waterfalls back.
The secret to making a good egg is the way you ap-poach it.
*a man in the audience has a stroke and dies from being so angry at this joke*
Me: Shut the door, I need privacy
4y/o: But we’re family!
Me: Families don’t watch each other go poop
4:You watch me poop!
Me:…take a seat
Them: what’s your sign?
Me: exhausted potato
A facial recognition program, but one that matches your Tupperware container to its lid.
Friend: Wanna go for a run?
Me: From what?
[commercial for kinder eggs]
are you tired of mean eggs
I want to make some business cards with this image so when people are like “what’s your type” I can just hand them one and say idk these are all men I’m attracted to, y’all figure it out
I fantasize about you, but I also fantasize about the day I’ll show someone up in a dance battle, so it’s not saying much.
Breaking news:
Reasonable mental health and a good relationship with his mother? I can’t work under these conditions
Outside doing some gardening and I’m pretty sure that my neighbour just heard me tell a worm that he is “a heckin’ chonk” and to “keep up the good work”.
God: Hmm now where did I leave that fish? It couldn’t possibly have grown legs and walked away
Darwin: lol ur not gonna believe this
Hero horse inspires millions
*reading the nutrition facts of a cookie*
me: so I’ll need to eat at least 83 of these to get 100% of my daily protein
Just saw the new Avengers & the audience went NUTS when Shrek showed up & saved the day.
Me: I have a new water bottle! I’m gonna get my 64 Oz a day now, bay-bee!
Also me: ᴀʟʟ ᴏꜰ ᴍʏ ʟɪꜰᴇ ɪꜱ ᴘᴇᴇ
I just had a second grader do an impression of his dad, which included the statement, “I was born in 1990 and I had to grow up watching black and white tv because color tv wasn’t invented yet.”
Sir. 😑
“I literally can’t even!”
— White girl hanging a picture
“Quit” is not in my vocabulary but “resign”, “drop out”, and “give up” are.
Autocorrect changed car battery to car buttery and it slipped out of my fingers and caused an accident on I-25.
Funny how “It just broke” was a common excuse of mine as a child that I never had to say again until I got married.
I’ve been listening to Pink Floyd for the past 2 hours. I’m about to just go ahead and skip to track 2.