Damn girl are you a bag of sunflower seeds? Cause I wanna spend a bunch of money, work really hard and not be completely satisfied
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Stop showing me pictures of british people’s breakfast I’ve already been through enough
A Peeping Tom was hospitalized after falling out of a tree. Appropriately in the ICU.
I’m what you might call ‘internet pretty’, meaning I’m really your dad.
A public stoning, but it’s just a group of people throwing donut holes at me
Confusing my grandchildren by filling the Easter eggs with chicken nuggets
Executioners flirting:
You hang first.
No, you hang first.
*giggling*
No, you hang!
No you!
The lady in the spice commercial was haphazardly pouring her vanilla extract. Do you know how much vanilla extract costs, lady?
wife: oh cool, the zoo reopened
me: [sitting on couch shirtless in cutoff sweats while drinking beer] why would I want to go look at a some bored dumb animal who sits around all day doing nothing
Why a man would want a wife is a big mystery to some people.
Why a man would want two wives is a bigamystery.
You can’t choose your family but you can choose a hitman.
If they worked, nobody would own more than one self-help book.
Instill fear in your spouse by telling them they talk in their sleep.
[clown cleaning shower]
MRS CLOWN: Don’t forget to remove the hair from the drain.
[clown just keeps pulling long multi-coloured hair out]
Girls have Galentine’s day but I just gave my buddy a 12 pack of beer and called it a dozen broses.
Why do they have the Met gala on a monday? the celebs probably have to come straight from from work
[at dry cleaners]
Me: Hi, did I drop something off here a few weeks ago?
Owner: Yes
Son: *walks out from back* Daddy!!!
Flight attendant: Is there a doctor onboard?
Dad: *nudging me* that should’ve been you
Me: Not now Dad
Dad: Not asking for a Product Manager to help, are they?
Me: Dad, there’s a medical emergency happening right now
Dad: Go and see if “let’s have a follow-up meeting” helps
When you get a “Your Package Has Shipped” notification as soon as a shipping label is created that’s like the business equivalent of sending a “I’m walking out the door now!” text when you just got out of the shower.
If you’re responsible for the fruit tray, then your family has zero faith in your culinary skills
My grandfathers were WWII heroes and I get anxiety if I don’t know the intricacies and protocols of the entire dining establishment I’m picking up take out from at least 24 hours in advance. I’m mapping it out on a chalkboard like a lil nervous Eisenhower.
*Whispers, spitters are for quitters.
~Wine tasting, you pervs!
Sorry I missed your call, the frogs had my phone again.
Son: *picks up backpack* I’m off!
Me: Where are you going?
Son: The bathroom. I hear it’s great this time of year. Been planning this trip for minutes.
[later]
Me: How was your trip?
Son: Highly recommend it. Good to get away for a while.
There should be a safe word for small talk:
“So how about this weather we’re hav -”
“RUTABAGA! GOD DAMN IT JIM, RUTABAGA.”
I have decided to forgive my own student loans. Peace be with you.
If you yell mosquito you can slap anyone in the face
No one
Drivers in NC: The light’s only just turned red; I should definitely run it.
[almost at the moon]
Buzz: *explosive diarrhea* DID YOU PUT SOMETHING IN THE TANG, ARMSTRONG?
Neil: *steals speech out of his pocket* nope
“dress for the job you want”
There’s a job you want???
Some of you ladies must go through an astonishing amount of laundry considering how wet you always are