[watching the news]
God: oh my me, this show is awful who wrote this
angel: you did sir
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gas pump: see attendant
me: looks like i no longer need gas
The same people that made fun of me for my calculator watch in high school are now wearing Apple watches.
gf: ooh a blindfold, kinky
me: *seductively* ill go get the piñata
People will stop talking to you if you challenge them to a rap duel.
My son told me he got me something “pretty expensive” for Christmas, and if it’s not a vacation home in Bora Bora I’m disowning him.
Im not lazy, I keep my windows dirty because I care for bird safety.
[sets up grandfather’s first computer]
ME: Okay, Grandpa… Just call me if you have any questions or problems.
[phone rings one hour later]
ME: Hello?
GRANDPA: WebMD says I’m pregnant.
Me:Thank you, he’s so hot I don’t even know what I want to do first…Grandma: (interrupting) Okay, can someone else say the prayer please?
She said she liked it doggy style…
…but when I threw the frisbee, she didn’t even budge.
Not to split hairs, but I called you “haughty,” not “hottie.”
A new rule at the office is if you cry you get sent home. Anyways, I can’t stop crying.
I just don’t get life insurance. Why would I want to give my family a financial incentive to kill me?
I think that next job interview I conduct I’m going to ask the candidate “What is best in life?”
If they don’t answer “To crush your enemies, to see them driven before you, and to hear the lamentations of their women,” then hard pass.
Someone being big spoon for me is not enough. I need to get ladled.
If you cross a guinea pig with a hedgehog you get a pighog. I don’t make the rules
Cardio? Is that in Spain?
Shout out to countless marine organisms who died, accreted on the seafloor, and compacted for eons so I could drive my Escalade to Kmart.
I left a small container filled with cheerios outside in my garden for the squirrel begging for food and he stole the container, spilling cheerios all over and I don’t know, was I just robbed?
FRIEND: Women want guys who take charge
ME: ok
[later]
WAITER: [to date] Ready to-
ME: [shoves waiter and grabs notepad] Ready to order?
he died doing what he loved: trying to put socks on with wet feet while standing next to a cliff
Those who ignore history are doomed to repeat it…
…anyway, my son is taking history again this fall.
[Space]
No one: I can hear screaming
[me, explaining my weird bedroom TV setup to my date]
We can watch whatever you want as long as it’s YouTube, Netflix, or any of the Jason Bourne movies b/c those are the only DVDs I own.
One of my worst typos at work… my missing O in hello. Hell there! Kind of changes the niceness of the message. There’s more unfortunately
God I love corduroy pants. If only the fire department would allow me to wear them
I wrecked my Italian car, now it’s al dente
Sorry I marked myself as safe on Facebook after your PowerPoint presentation.
[First date]
So what do you do for a living?
“I’m a florist”
WHY DON’T YOU LIKE THE FLOOR? WHAT HAS IT DONE TO YOU, IS IT BECAUSE IT’S LAVA?