Trainer: WHAT DO YOU WANT?
Me: A BIKINI BODY
T: WHEN DO YOU WANT IT?
Just after I finish this beer.
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Well my name’s Harry Potter and I’m here to say
That half of my movies looked wet and gray
I’m a professional air guitar tech.
The pay is crap but I enjoy the lifestyle that goes with it
COMMENCE ANNIHILATI… Sorry, wrong notes, that’s tomorrow’s speech. Here’s the right one: You have nothing to fear from Project Omega …
“Hey Cyclops are you still dating Jean?”
“No Storm, we broke up. You could say she’s my…”
*lowers sunglasses*
*eye beams obliterate Storm*
Just been to see Benny from maintenance in hospital. He was putting up one of those boards that tell you have many days since the last accident and it fell on him.
friend: why do u look sad
me: I have wrongdog
friend: what’s wrongdog
me: *big breath in*
Autocorrect changed ‘lover’ to ‘liver’ and that’s ok because I need one of those too.
interviewer: you have a 3 year gap on your resume that just says “vengeance”
me:
interviewer:
me: you don’t remember me do you?
Matt Damon: I have 4 daughters which means I have… *counting aloud on fingers* 4 respect for women
I owe my mom for pretty much all of who I am.
So, if you’re looking for someone to blame, there you go.
Me: What is the thing you want most for your birthday?
6yo: A recorder.
Me: How about a pony instead?
[at dry cleaners]
Me: Hi, did I drop something off here a few weeks ago?
Owner: Yes
Son: *walks out from back* Daddy!!!
Biden: I painted “Michelle Obama 2020” on your bedroom ceiling
Obama: 😳
Biden: Glow in the dark paint
next time i open up to someone is during surgery
Apparently you can’t make a baby by adding water to baby powder, so don’t waste your time.
my phone died right in front of me and now i’m Batman
You can sing along to a good song in my car as long as you don’t take lead vocals. Just accept that you’re a background singer or get out.
me as a new nurse trying to help out in a code
Fun idea! Complimentary deodorant with each transit fare purchase.
Everyone: We’re concerned about you.
Me: *snorting crushed up smarties off the back of a public toilet* why tho?
I schedule my tweets pretty far out in advance, so I might not be funny now, but I’ve got a banger coming in August of 2037.
The 50k lady’s grandfather left her money that he could’ve spent on himself, and she handed it to scammers. Folks, NEVER provide for your family
Do you ever wonder if your parents spoil your kids to get back at you for what you put them through as a teenager? Because I’m totally thinking of doing that.
Can I do this?
-Kids, while doing it
DATE: You hear that an ostrich escaped from the zoo?
ME: [from the kitchen] No
DATE: Oh. What’s for dinner?
ME: A suspiciously large chicken
This is the only cartoon analysis critic I will watch
omg the traffic lights are red and green for Christmas 🥺
Marvin stared at the painting of his great grandfather, who had survived two wars, worked three jobs to support his fourteen children, and eventually died saving a box full of kittens from a fire, and thought to himself, “You know, if I knocked that over, I could sleep on it.”
CONCERT
AC/DC: Who’s ready to be Thunderstruck?
CROWD: *screams
ME: [from front row] IT’S IMPOSSIBLE TO BE STRUCK BY THUNDER!
Don’t ever call me sexist.
Sexism is wrong and being wrong is for women.