I got halfway through writing an email to a company letting them know that their bag of trailmix didn’t contain any of the chocolate chips advertised on the bag before remembering that I have two kids.
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I was probably the first choice of the person who texted me, “Wanna go to a concert in 40 minutes?!”
if this is wile e. coyote again I’m gonna be so mad
#truestory #puppylove #dogsonsofas
Chicken salad is just like regular salad except, it’s afraid of the dark.
Whenever I see a new couple on a date I walk up to their table, hold up my phone and tell the guy “You’re Wife Sarah says hello”.
Password: 1 upper case letter, 1 lower case letter, 1 stair case, 1 briefcase, 1 in case of emergency, 2 cases of beer, and 1 quesadilla.
How many Happy Meals do you need to eat before they start to work? I’ve just had six and I feel terrible.
the nerve of a majority of people i meet being younger than me. how dare them
🌓🌎🌞 <– lunar eclipse
🌎🌓🌞 <– solar eclipse
🌎🌞🌗 <– apocalypse
I can’t figure out why my son hates me.
Tim hates you?
No, my other son. I can’t remember his name. I just call him “not Tim”
I took a shower bc hobo is an aesthetic not a scent
Place any sort of bowl like object anywhere in your house and in a month and it will have collected old screws, batteries, and pens like some kind of black hole.
If you guys need me I’ll be strutting confidently through a parking lot toward a car that turns out not to be mine.
Who called them accountants and not sumbodies?
whenever someone i know introduces me to someone else i say, “oh, this is the one u were talking about” &watch the awkward stares!
I love rotting in bed. My vision board is just a picture of the grandparents in Willy Wonka
Get in, octopus. We’re gonna open jars and do some taxes.
The good news is that my appetite has come back. The bad news is that my appetite has come back.
In every single case, the Scooby Doo gang discover a human is behind the mystery, not ghosts or mummies or whatever. Yet they start each new case believing the villain is a supernatural being. Every time. Not once do they say “maybe it’s an old man like last time”
Girls, if you’re gonna shave your eyebrows off just to draw them on again, at least make them interesting. How about drawing two umbrellas?
Forced to use Axe Shampoo & Conditioner this morning and now my hair is high fiving people and calling them Braaaah.
Me: big date tonight. Any advice?
Pal: just be yourself! Pay her a compliment, ask her a question, talk about your interests…[Later]
Me: Hello. I like your teeth. What’s the capital of Venezuela? I enjoy food
me: “why was she called the little mermaid, she was 5ft7?”
therapist: “i meant anything bothering you about your marriage keith”
*Me presenting a life sized cardboard cutout of Keanu Reeves wearing a beret
Architecture Board: That’s not at all what “Neo-French” means…
So, apparently, “My old girlfriend liked it!” isn’t a good defense when your significant other doesn’t like the Taco Bell gift certificate you got her for Valentine’s.
“I would’ve gotten away with it, too, if it wasn’t for you meddling bondage enthusiasts!”
my widow: I remember how he drank eight glasses of water a day
[elsewhere]
crematorium worker: holy shit why won’t he burn
I no longer need an alarm clock because I’m over 40 and have a bladder.
When I die and doctors perform an autopsy, they’ll probably find twenty pounds of stickers off of fruit in my intestines
guys named stephen “can’t ephen.”