them: PTSD
my brain: Pacific Time Standard Disorder
You Might Also Like
[first Captain to go down with the ship]
Captain: are you sure this a thing? I feel like this isn’t really a thing.
Crew: [already rowing away in the lifeboat]
You know you’re an adult when you spend $100 at the grocery store and leave without any food.
I hate commas its not my job to tell you when you breathe work it out youre a grown adult
My financial advisor recommended I join a doomsday cult.
Litter boxes are bullshit man. Those cats aren’t littering they’re shittin’ man.
i’m so old i’m almost back in style
Have kids so they make you buy stuff to make for their YouTube channel that doesn’t exist.
I don’t always go the extra mile
But when I do…
It’s because I missed my exit.
It’s so foggy out right now that I feel like I should be telling someone about an ancient prophecy
WIFE: Where are you off to?
ME: Shits & giggles.
WIFE: What?
ME: I’m gonna read funny tweets on the toilet.
Reasons I visit a TL:
1. You’re a genius
2. You’re far from a genius
3. I like you
4. I know you hate me and want you to know I know
October’s cool because you can buy 60 Snickers, 48 beers, a hockey mask, chainsaw, 30 leaf bags and the cashier won’t even acknowledge it.
[first day as an undercover cop]
mobster: are you wearing a wire
guy in my earpiece: say no
me: they said to tell you no
You breed dogs? Don’t they do that on their own?
I date men whom have their life paths laid out firmly and don’t waver.
Yes, their paths are Psycho and Socio, but consistency is admirable.
[shootout]
Cop: I said fire a warning shot
Me: I already did.
Cop: you shot him in the face
Me: warning the others that I’m a very good shot
a murderer snaps my neck but my body just slowly starts to turn neon green
Candid photo of me, eating chips.
God: welcome to heaven. here’s your wings.
Adam West: [putting on batman cowl] I won’t be needing those.
The ocean is over seasoned. Too salty. Zero stars.
[end of a job interview]
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: If you could become half robot, would you do it?
Him:
Me:
Him: Which half?
Genie: what is your first wish
Me: can you fold this fitted sheet please
G: I’m a genie not a witch
A dating app for yoga enthusiasts called Get Bent
Me: I really can’t stay
Him: Baby it’s cold outside
Me: I’ve got to go away
Him: Baby it’s cold outside
Me: Just let me go!
Manager of Hotel California *walks over* is there a problem?
I never lock my car. What is someone gonna steal, my thousands of McDonald’s napkins? Perhaps my broken sunglasses? Every water bottle my kids have ever opened and took one sip of? They’d be doing me a favor.
Word of the Day: No
Please use it in a sentence: No.
NSFW tweet
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
Unionize your workplace
[Joseph checking in to hotel]
“Is there WiFi?”
Only in the stable
*later to Virgin Mary*
“Honey, hotel was booked. Gotta stay in the stable”
Interviewer: What skills can you bring to this company?
Me: I can kill a spider without screaming.
Interviewer: Your office will be next to mine.