Her: You look great without glasses
Me: I don’t wear glasses
Her: *putting them back on* I do
You Might Also Like
just got my engagement photos
One of my lamps has a light bulb which has outlasted my past 7 relationships.
Love it when I see the sign:
“You must have been born before 1999 to buy tobacco products.”My oldest bra can smoke now.
My wife left me by doing the “stairs behind the sofa” thing and never came back
Him: You put feathers of a crow in this drink?
Me: Yes, I made sure they all came from 1 crow. It’s…
Him: Please don’t.
Me: …single molt
i’m really getting my money’s worth on rent this year
God: But if you use your sting you will die.
Bee: That will teach us not to abuse our power. How did the wasps take that news?
God: Err…
An FBI profiler once told me there are very few psychopaths out there.
I booped his nose and said, “I beg to differ.”
My son loves to cook and my mom said great now he can teach you and I said no now he can cook for me
I WON’T TELL YOU AGAIN!
~ me to my kids for the 387th time today
breaking into your house and inventorying your pantry so you know what you need the next time you go to costco
People who are allergic to peanuts: I can’t, it’ll kill me
People who are allergic to gluten: I can’t, it’ll wreck my body
People who are lactose intolerant: Humans cannot achieve immortality anyway and life not lived to the fullest is no life at all, hand me a gallon of milk
When a really horrible person dies I always like to think of it as them being recalled.
AVENGERS ASSEMBLE!
THOR: “here”
IRON MAN: “here”
HULK: “here”
PHIL COLLINS – “here”
…
ok Phil how do u keep getting into S.H.I.E.L.D man
I realized I was maybe not the best listener when a friend had to come out to me twice.
If you date someone working for the federal government and then break up, does he become FedEx? #oksorry
Well, well, well, look who is who he says he is.
~The guy with the blue check by his name.
“I’d like to get a trim.”
“There’s a bit of a wait.”
“No problem.”
“Name, please?”
“It’s-“
“Just kidding. Have a seat, Tom.”
My kids kept crawling under the table at a restaurant so I told them the floor is lava. Follow me for other hot parenting tips.
I have achieved immortality.
I found a mysterious lamp and sure enough there was a genie inside.I wished that I won’t die a virgin.
I wish I could lose weight as easily as I lose my glasses
Is there anything more infuriating than the text you get confirming you’ve unsubscribed from the text chain you just unsubscribed from?
(3am, my kid wakes up)
Me: *Pretends to be asleep*
My wife: *Pretends to be more asleep*
Me: *Pretends to be even more asleep*
My wife: *Pretends to be even way more asleep*
Me: If moths like light so much why haven’t they all flown into the Sun?
Boss:does anyone have any work related questions?
Me: Why did I walk in this room?
My brain: Not sure but here’s a song from 2005 I’m gonna play on repeat for the next 10 hours.
James Bond: Do you expect me to talk?
Therapist: That is how these things usually work.
Whenever my kid comes to me whining about something I always tell them daddy knows just how to help.
Look, you invented bread and I invented knives. Let’s combine forces and we could be the best thing since…well we’ll think of that later.
The paper defeats rock explanation that the paper will wrap around the rock has always been lame. The rock is just as dangerous with paper wrapped around it; it is not defeated.