Why does Mommy always say no?
Well Son, if Mommy said yes all the time you’d have 20 more siblings.
#Friyay
You Might Also Like
[in HR]
We’re letting you go because you won’t stop referring to going to the bathroom as “live streaming”
Mission Control: prepare to enter the vacuum of space
Dog Astronaut: wait the what now
[police station]
LIEUTENANT: do you have an alibi for the night of the murders
SAILOR: i was a hundred feet below sea level in a submarine
SERGEANT: dammit boss that’s airtight
*checks real estate listings on other planets*
Cop: I pulled you over because your driving has been erratic
Me: oh, I think the guy in my trunk was trying to communicate with me via Morse code
Cop: what
Me: what
My 10 year old just told his friend I’m cranky cus I have my “pyramid”.
ad for letuce:
do u- hey do u ever wish u coud eat water
I wear a ski mask wherever I go but only rob ski resorts. It’s quite ingenious really. Let me explain…
I only went to medical school to figure out where your arms are supposed to go when you sleep and they didn’t even teach us that… so now what
“My family doesn’t have a black sheep,” I say, while everyone avoids eye contact.
Snakes are terrifying because they can’t trip and fall over shit. No creature should possess such power.
In the story of the $35 garage sale ceramic bowl going for $500k at auction, I’d be the person who had the garage sale.
I was laid off by Twitter today. I’m an algorithmicist and psychological operations specialist looking to possibly transition into nation-state level disinformation broadcasting roles. Please DM me if you have any leads!
the racists in this town are so proud of their lack of pigmentation you’d think they had actually chose it themselves 🙂
7YO: When did I get inside mommy’s tummy?
Me: June 9 2012 right after I made coffee and for the first time, mommy saw me put the jar back in the cabinet
[pet therapy]
THERAPIST: ok slow
ME: *pets 2 dogs*
T: just 1
M: *pets 3 dogs*
T: Nurse, restrain him, he’s
M: *pets 4 dogs*
T: roverdosing
morpheus wrapping the red pill in a piece of cheese so i’ll take it
Q: What’s worse than finding a horse’s head on your pillow? A: Realising the horse is alive and well and how much did I drink last night?!
You know you got a bad haircut when she insists on giving you a $10 discount.
No one takes their job more seriously than the guy that glues down the start of the toilet paper roll.
My favourite sport is tracking the pizza delivery guy
Impress your date by eating your mashed potatoes with both hands.
I’m not saying my son’s basketball team is really bad. I’m typing it.
[pet shop]
me: excuse me, do u work here?hamster: no
During sex she said “deeper” so I rolled over and started reading her poetry.
My dad’s advice to me for when I receive unwanted male attention:
Pick your nose
My favorite position in bed is getting off it for pizza
6yo: What is a solar eclipse?
Me: Have you ever been outside in the dark?
6yo: yeah
Me: same idea
I brought a glue gun to a knife fight. Those knives aren’t going anywhere.
This medicine says I should not operate heavy machinery, so I guess I won’t be doing laundry for the next two weeks. Safety first.