How many dates should you wait before you tell a girl that you’re just a barn owl
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Talking about me behind my back? Good. My ass likes attention.
PROSECUTOR: Well, if you and your bandmates truly AREN’T responsible for the arson – as you claim – then I’m sure you wouldn’t mind revealing to the jury just which parties, locations, or world events you think ARE responsible?
*Billy Joel takes a deep breath*
Advice tip for people: 1 stick hand in glue 2 stick hand in feather 3 now you are like bird. Impress your friend.
I abhor violence but I might get a smidge slappy for the last piece of lemon meringue pie.
I’ll bet the first ever drive thru window resulted in an incredible amount of broken glass.
“They’re gray with gray stripes”
– me warning my dog about skunks
Its probably time to clean the microwave when you heat coffee and it comes out smelling like a burrito.
I’m not saying my son is competitive, but he was happy he had a higher fever than his brother
I don’t get Roomba commercials. Like who spills an entire box of cereal on the floor and is like eh leave it for the robot to clean up
The CDC has increased the 3 second rule to 2 minutes.
Ever look at your coworker and wonder “how are they still giving you a paycheck”?
Boxing Day is just another excuse for me to binge watch all the Rocky movies.
[date]
Clark Kent: I propose a toast
*they take their glasses off the table*
Lois Lane: omg it’s Supertable!
Me: Boss our sales are really going updog.
Boss: You mean up?
Me: No, updog.
Boss: What’s updog?
Me: Not our sales. We’re bankrupt.
Three boxes of the same cereal in the pantry are a sign I should consider using a shopping list at the supermarket rather than just winging it.
“I think we should-”
Kiss under the moonlight? omg we finish each other’s sentences!
Hairdresser: was gonna say trim the sides a bit shorter
Mans got denied a plate and walked off. 😂😂😂
Them: Would you slap a coworker for
25 000$?Me: I’d do it for a Costco hot dog.
I live in constant fear that my kid will become a famous artist or painter and I will have thrown out about a trillion dollars of her work
me: i don’t know what to order
waiter: the chef’s special?
me: I’m sure he is
If you want to know how Irish my family is, my parents don’t have a liquor cabinet, they have a liquor closet
Right next to the beer fridge
whoa, you should really talk to someone about that!
— me, first day as a therapist
Very tired of the NSA reading my tweets and not retweeting them.
*couple walking through the house they just bought*
Husband: Hey, honey, there’s an attic!
Wife: Really?
H: *peering into attic with a flashlight* There’s dust everywhere, except on that creepy Victorian doll staring at me.
*later*
Friend: Is there an attic?
Husband: No.
Hi, my name is Pan. It’s short for Pam.
The only bright side to food poisoning is weighing yourself when it’s over.
*comes outside months after coronavirus is done*
FRIEND: You didn’t have to quarantine that long.
ME: There’s been quarantines?
I saved a ton of money on tattoos by just pretending my varicose veins are ancient Chinese proverbs
Friends: Let’s roll a fatty
Me: I have a name guys and pls don’t