Am I supposed to present a monologue play while I use this toilet? Wtf is it on a stage for.
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*First day as a fire investigator*
Me: We’re trying to figure out why your house burned down
Woman: Have you ruled out arson?
Me: *narrows eyes, looks at baby* No
Are 19th Century menstrual pads called period pieces?
Youth Pastor: do you know who also crashed a market?
How is it my dog understands the word no, but my children don’t?
We love walking in the cemetery but it turned into more of a jog after my dog started barking at one of those gravestones with the big kneeling angel on it.
Lost my phone, went looking, set down coffee.
Found phone, went back, where’d I put coffee?
I was flattered when my crush added her stick figure to my mini van. I can’t wait to hear what my wife thinks…
Pro-tip to avoid corona-virus
Eat garlic.
Lots of garlic.
It won’t do anything against the virus, but it will keep other people away.
A guy just beeped for me to move from my parking spot and now I’ll be live tweeting from this spot for 3 more hours.
You ever look at a crazy person in a drive-thru window and scream “credit or debit is fine!” and then realize the window wasn’t open and you’re screaming at yourself?
*first date*
Me: They keep saying we’re destroying the ocean, but you know what the ocean is? Just one big toilet. Two parts water, eight parts feces. All that marine life taking ten craps a day then swimming in each other’s shit for a lifetime.
Waiter: Madam, your sea bass.
4 out of 5 dentists now say eat all the candy you want. 4 out of 5 dentists also want to upgrade their yachts.
I can’t wait to get married and communicate my disdain solely through aggressive dishwashing.
Why’d they call it an “aquarium” instead of a “Here fish-see fish-see”
My mom: sure use any towel.
Also my mom: not that one.
Someone asked who sang Johnny B Goode, and I said Marty McFly because I’m not an idiot and I know how time travel works.
I was never a big believer in destiny until the only parking available at my gym was in the adjacent Burger King.
Loneliness Status: Eating donuts and talking to the dog. He seems interested, but I think it’s the donut.
Her: remember Jimmy Neutron?
Me: yeah, but I haven’t seen it in years
Her: what was the super hero the nerdy kid loved?
Me: ultra lord, and his name was Sheen
Her: yes, thank you. When’s my birthday?
Me:
Her: when’s my birthday Kyle
Me:
Me: happy b-
Her: it was yesterday
Who called it heckling a cow and not roast beef?
When I finished a one on one session with a first grader he pulled back his chair and said I need a strong cup of coffee.
children are a fun way to combine the impetuous insanity of a dog with the murderous disdain of a cat
when hoodie season starts don’t ask me if i’m wearing anything under because this is what imma do
I feel like the person who named pink eye also named orange juice.
I hope my teeth enjoy these 3 minutes of minty freshness before their 8-hour coffee bath.
My doctor’s office scheduled my appointment 6 months from now and asked me if that’s good.
I don’t know what I’m doing 2 hours from now, but sure.
Saw a deer standing beside the highway this morning watching the traffic go by.Guess he was trying to figure out who’s day he wanted to ruin
For job interviews, your best bet is to dress as a pizza delivery person, march in and say “Who ordered DILIGENCE and ATTENTION TO DETAIL!?”
Today marks a five year anniversary of how I’ll start going to the gym tomorrow.
TICKET AGENT: and will this be round trip?
FLAT EARTHER: here we go again