Me: You got that talent from me!
13yo: Don’t take credit for my genuis!
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Any time a child tries to guess my age.
[preparing dinner]
Him: *making mashed potatoes* I feels like you don’t trust my cooking
Me: *also making mashed potatoes* don’t be silly
Beast: This castle is your home now, so you can go anywhere you like, except the West Wing.
Me: Okay, but is that right or left?
[first date]
Damn girl, are you ordering a third omelette? Then omelette you pay this bill! Lol!
No but seriously I forgot my wallet.
[first day as car salesman]
Customer: electric windows?
Me, taps window: glass
Customer: break horse power?
Me: oh yeah, this will smash a horse to bits
Customer: 4 wheel drive?
Me, quickly counts: yup
Customer: manual?
Me: in the glove box
I apologise if I offended you.
And if I haven’t yet, just give it time.
Me: I’m single – I can eat beans whenever I like
Also me: why am I still single
everyone on the saturday night live thing pronounced it sarynyelive
Someone told me they got a futon instead of a couch/chair because they wanted their furniture to be versatile.
You can use it for sitting AND lying down?
That’s cool, bro.
My chair can be used for sitting and lion taming.
Me: I got you a Butler to help out around the house.
Wife: I specifically said do not get me a Butler.
Me: sorry man, she’s not interested.
Gerard Butler: [sadly] very good Sir.
The first stage of a realistic baking show would be each contestant trying to open a jammed utensil drawer.
If I die, someone please tell my husband that my shoes are worth six times as much as I said I paid for them.
I’m convinced that my washing machine is a portal to a world where one-legged men hop around in my socks.
LIFE HACK: At the end of a night out, go to a Domino’s Pizza, order a delivery then catch a ride with the driver. Dinner + transport home!
*I accidentally fall onto my computer and it logs me into Facebook* crap
*I try to get up but fall again and it causes me to type in my ex’s name* dangit
*I fall yet again and comment “your baby looks cross-eyed” on his album* oh shoot
2016: imagine the worst case scenario.
2019: no, not like that, worser
Them: what part of your morning routine takes the longest ?
Me: finding the will to get up
I scream. You scream. We all scream. We’re being chased by bears. Life is a nightmare.
I want an ecologically friendly burial (chuck me over my neighbor’s fence).
My 7YO is either very shy in front of people, or she’s already given them our social security numbers
1000s flocked to NJ to see the Virgin Mary in a tree trunk. But, don’t judge them, friends. When was the last time you saw a virgin in NJ?
Friend: We could to Jurassic Park but there are pros and cons
Me: Like what?
Friend: They have dinosaurs. And you can die
Me: And what are the cons?
Sorry I’m late, there was traffic and I lied about when I left.
[High school reunion]
Me: I’m in the army now.Friend: I thought you were either going to be a referee or an attorney.
Me: Yeah I couldn’t decide between boxers and briefs so I went commando
I told my doctor that my back was bothering me. He said, “Get a bar & hang”.
Now I’m hanging out in a bar & I admit, my back feels better.
NOOO NOT THE DUOLINGO BIRD ON THE GRILL!!!!
Kids: We’re hungry!
Me: You’re in luck. I have just the thing.
The thing:
*plastic vampire teeth falling out of my mouth* are you theriouthly breaking up wiff me??
Studies show people lose interest in a tweet right about now
Me:*pulls out salad for lunch
Coworker: *pulls out 6 boxes of girl scout cookies & nods at me
Me: *tosses salad in fridge
CW: Let’s do this.