Been dating this girl for 7 months and today she asked me, why I don’t have a girlfriend
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My aunt’s ex-boyfriend’s mailman’s brother said it on Facebook so I don’t think any further research is necessary.
If Amazon had a dating app:
You recently got married! Here are some similar people you may be interested in
Every person you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.
Make it worse by asking if they’re drinking enough water.
Johnny Depps wife filed for divorce, thanks a lot Australia! This is why nice people don’t visit you!
You excited to watch the Super Bowl?
“Ya, but only cuz the commercials.”
[sounds of man being beaten to death with bowl of chips and dip]
This guy just told me I have beautiful eyes.
Well, he said they were pretty…
Ok, he said “Healthy & no change since your last visit.”
ME: Not gonna make it in today. I hurt my updog.
BOSS: What’s updog?
ME: Nothing much, prolly just gonna take a nap.
My boss is coming to my grandad’s funeral tomorrow.
He said, after his 3 previous funerals he personally wants to see him go in the ground
When you drive, be careful to look out for bikes. Sometimes they’re unchained so you can pull over and just take them.
Teachers are getting ridiculous with sending out homeschooling projects.
We have an English and History assignment due in two days and we don’t even have kids.
[6 months after breaking up]
Me: AND ANOTHER THING,
“It’s pretty neat how the laundry keeps washing and folding itself.”
-my family
u date a person for a few months & they already be wanting to meet ur mom like chillllllll it took me 9 months to meet her who tf do u think u are???
“Bring forth the sacrifice. The ritual must proceed.”
Prayers for my 4yo who despite many attempts is currently unable to remove his nose
“I will eat 3 oreos” I say to myself, bringing the bag
When you’re stupid, you trust your child with an alarm clock
*5 people I know walk right past me at the store*
Me: *patting mask* thank you
I showed my husband the video of that giant baby. He said aaw how cute. HOW. CUTE. My pregnancy just got a lot scarier.
14 [in front of the dinner his dad made]: I don’t understand what I’m looking at.
Why do zombies all have such shitty clothes?! It’s like you JUST died, how did you mess up your shirt that bad
I saw a lady at work today doing “breathing exercises” and realized for the first time how lucky I was that breathing came naturally to me.
“I’m sure this happens every time a famous person dies but I wanted to see if the library had any of his CDs.”
“You mean like… music CDs?”
“Yeah. By Shane MacGowan? The Pogues?”
“Oh thank goodness, I thought you were talking about Henry Kissinger.”
A brother from my ward really ticked me off this week, so I made sure to get my family to church early and take the pew his family usually sits in.
In the rookiest of moves, at 4:30PM on Christmas Eve, my husband asked what our 5yo what he is most excited to get from Santa tomorrow
I hate all the “creepy clown” news. I’m having a clown solidarity march at dusk near an abandoned insane asylum. Need a calliope player.
watching silence of the lambs, when i saw it as a teenager it was obviously a film about a cannibal killer guy but watching it again now it’s about a woman being leered at by creepy guys from all angles except the psycho killer guy who is genuinely interested in her as a person
Don’t assume Wal-Mart sells walls. Unless you want an argument about existential reality with an 85-year-old greeter.
Me: oh hey cute kid, she looks just like you!
Her:
Her: I am the nanny
My parents sold their house like a month ago but my mother JUST realized she did not uninstall the special fire alarms she had put in that are a recording of her own voice screaming at me and my sister to “GET OUT OF THE HOUSE BECAUSE MOM’S CANDLES CAUGHT THE HOUSE ON FIRE”