I’m assuming my husband bought me gym clothes and fat burning supplements because he wants a divorce
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GENIE: You can’t wish anybody would fall in love with you.
ME: What if everybody just disliked me less?
GENIE: Sure.
ME:
GENIE:
ME:
GENIE: Okay technically I should be able to do this but it’s not working.
Until zoom life I had no idea how many people dig in their ear.
ME: it was a dark and cold february morning in a town of secrets
ME: (feet on desk) the dame walked in like a panther lost in a Toys-R-Us – angry and full of questions
CUSTOMER: look do you have the book or not
ME: (lights cigar) she had bad news written all over her
*in the car*
dog: where we going?
me: to the neuter clinic
dog: neuter clinic? you’re nuts!
me: no. your nuts
[trying to impress my date] order whatever u want
her: i’ll have the lobster
waiter: [noticing i am pointing a gun at him under the table] we uh. we don’t have lobster
RAN INTO A COWORKER AT TARGET. DIDN’T WANT HER TO KNOW I WAS BUYING BABY CLOTHES FOR MY CAT SO I TOLD HER I’M PREGNANT
The worst part about having your death go viral is that you get kicked off the Queue for Taylor Swift tickets. #RIPJimmyFallon
I never lose followers during a bot purge. my followers are real people with real accounts who are either dead or left twitter years ago
OMG! How did you get all of those bruises?
Me: [flashback, crashing into dresser trying to zip skinny jeans] I slipped on the ice.
Never trust couscous. It’s just fat sand.
Me: Speak. C’mon, boy, speak.
Dog: No, I’m mad at you.
My brother in law is devastated that he didn’t get into the next London marathon.
I’ve never related to anyone less.
if ghosts r real why are there no dinosaur ghosts? think about that, but u won’t bc i just blew your mind with something called logic, idiot
I don’t have an inner child. I have an inner old person who wants everyone to shut up.
nobody is putting drugs in your kids halloween candy. tell them to get jobs and buy their own.
New Subway rule: You must give the person in front of you a wedgie if they take more than 5 seconds to choose what kind of bread they want.
Kids have scary dreams because grandmas say things like: “You’re so cute. I could just eat you up!”
If you can’t remember my name, just say ‘donuts’. I’ll turn around and look.
The priest said that the demon really wants to leave, but I’m way too clingy, so the exorcism didn’t work.
me: want to help me save the bees this weekend?
her: sure!
[later]
her: uhhh, this isn’t what i thought it would be
me: *pauses reading the bible to a beehive* what do you mean
Renting a uhaul to make my neighbors think I’m moving and then pretending like I never met them when I see them next
Child: What’s it called when they stick a spike up your nose and scramble your brain?
Me: A lobotomy?
Child: YES.
Me: Why?
Child: No reason.
Me:
Child:
Me: [wide awake all night]
Why do moths eat sweaters? Have they tried sandwiches or avocados
I don’t have a date for Valentine’s Day so I’ll probably end up going out with the wife
a squirrel buries a nut in my backyard. I think im going to dig it up & replace it with a grilled cheese sandwich, blow its freaking mind!
Realtor: And I can assure you the house has been child-proofed
*my kid walks in*
Me: I see you’re a liar
rip st. patrick, you would have loved green day.
They’ve let the kids out of school in advance of the bad weather so it’s our duty as adults to nod & greet one another in town with “Storm’s comin.”
Cop: You look pretty beat up, how many attackers did you say there was?
[flashback to me showing the cat my nunchuk skills]
Me: Easily 10
Corgis are great when you want a wolf that’s a loaf of bread.