I find it funny when an actor starts off a movie doing an accent and then it mysteriously disappears like their paycheck just cleared
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Pro tip: Wives do not find it hilarious when you add a bunch of extra candles to their surprise birthday cake.
I know this now.
Me: *upon exiting the womb* you’ll be hearing from my lawyer
*shows up to marathon with perfect hair* Yeah I’ve been conditioning a lot for this race
My neighbor started mowing his yard at 6am so I opened all my windows and vacuumed because I don’t understand how revenge works.
When singers at concerts hold out the mic for the audience to sing, it’s like what am i, your maid
Remember when the internet didn’t exist and we kept all this stupidness in our heads?
Good times.
Trump getting elected after Obama was not what they meant by Orange is the New Black
Women are like jelly donuts.
No… women are more like a danish.
On 2nd thought, they’re like a giant cookie.
Sorry, I’m at the Bakery.
It’s bath time, darling, fetch me my toaster.
Find someone who cares about you as much as gmail cares about new devices signing into your account
Don’t crossbreed an owl with a duck,
The offspring is naught but a schmuck,
You might start overjoyed,
But you’ll soon be annoyed,
By all the incessant wise quacks.
I gave up going to work for lent.
It’s my Roomba’s birthday so I’m bringing him to the beach and I’m just gonna let him go crazy
He was a satyr boy
She said see you later boy
He wasn’t goat enough for her
Her: hear that?
Me: nope
Her: what if someone’s is trying to get in to murder me?
Me: only person that wants to murder you is already inside
What in the hipster hell is going on here
I was walking into the store and some man said, “Hi beautiful,” and I replied, “Hello yourself.”
…. that’s when he pointed to his Bluetooth.
“I got you this for Valentine’s Day.”
[she opens the box and reveals several People magazines inside]
“I think we should see other people.”
[A tissue manufacturer meeting]
“But what if we pack them in the box so that the first tissue is almost impossible to grab and you end up pulling out nine?”
I’m dreaming of getting rich like my father.
Wow your dad must be a rich man.
No, he too is dreaming of getting rich.
my dad: [rising up from behind couch]
the new ppl that live in that house now: wtf
DNA doesn’t make you a parent. Stepping on a lego guy on your way to the bathroom at 3 am does
That’s easy for you to say
If you start smacking people with your wife’s purse she won’t ask you to hold it for her anymore
I just hit the back arrow on a website and it took me to a page that said “before you leave” no. I already made the decision.
KANGAROO(tasting beer) *sips* This is too hoppy for me
[BrewMaster] I thought youd love “hoppy” beer lol
[Kangaroo] (sternly) That’s racist
Don’t let Hollywood fool you. I was in an orphanage for 13 yrs and we only broke into a song & choreographed dance twice
ME: Imagine if your toenails screamed when you cut them.
WIFE: Ok get off me. I’m not in the mood anymore.
I really need to go on the show Survivor. Not for the money or the fame. It’s just the only way I’m ever gonna effectively lose weight.