Found my 7yo vacuuming his room before school, so I guess the aliens switched him in the night
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scarlet joe hanson sounds like an old timey boxer’s name. “weighin’ in at 182 lbs, 5’9″, the ol’ black widow, scarlet jooooooe hansen!”
If a tree falls on your Ex in the woods, and no one hears it, still get rid of the chainsaw just in case.
All set.
All I’m saying is what kind of father would encourage a wayward son to carry on?
What the world needs now is love, sweet love…
And an extinction level asteroid.
Who called them silk boxers and not ball gowns
When you go in the other room I ask your dog what you look like naked.
the nerve of a majority of people i meet being younger than me. how dare them
FROM THE FIRST BITE YOU CAN TELL CELERY DOESN’T WANT TO BE EATEN
3 days ago I put a sign on my door that said “I’ll be back in 20 minutes”.
Nobody has bothered me since and I’m never taking it down.
I love when people tell me they’ll “see me in hell” as if I’m not gonna weasel my way out of those plans too.
Cashier: haha that’s a lotta candy, getting ready for Halloween early eh
Me:…
Cashier:…
Me:…
Cashier:…
Me: yep
When I awoke from the car accident in a full bodycast, my wife was right at my bedside to let me know that childbirth is still more painful.
Let’s talk about Sex Baby. I regret you naming our son that. You’re a real piece of shit, Tammy.
Being a little kid must be so wild. You just learned that chicken nuggets come from chickens, your mom’s brother is your uncle, and your teeth will soon start to fall out.
Me: trump keeps obfuscating the truth
Wife: i see you learned a new word
Me: i obfuscately did
Wife:
Me: what are we obfuscating for dinner
An English version of Cookie Monster called Biscuit Gentlemen who always wants biscuits but also uses the word please, because we’re not savages.
(runs into somebody at the grocery store I haven’t seen in awhile)
Them: oh my god hey what are you up to?
Me: … I’m grocery shopping. What does it look like?
my grandpa: this pizza has no toppings
me: close the box, turn it over, & open it again
my grandpa: well i’ll be damned
Me: Just once?
Dog:
Me: Please?
Dog:
Me: Say, “I’m a law-biting citizen”
Dog: That’s not water in your cup, is it?
Friend: I can’t believe they’re already selling Halloween candy in sto—
Me: *Already in the car, driving to the store*
What wine goes well with two ungrateful teenagers, an oppressive boss and insurmountable credit card debt?
Zimbabweans have dismissed Mugabe rumour saying
“Mugabe cannot have a heart attack. He doesnt have a heart.”
my best friend is a guy and we have a pact that if we’re both still single at 37 we’ll hunt each other for sport
I don’t think you’re a bad person. I just think you’re immature and lack intelligence. Hope that helps!
Pisces: A coworker will compliment your fashion sense this week. With each passing day your human disguise grows more convincing.
[third date]
Her: please quit calling me Jenny
Me: oh my apologies Jennifer
Her: my name is Amanda
Everyone is complaining about homeschooling their kids.
Don’t stress!
Just teach them what you know.“Ok children, today we’re going to learn nursery rhymes.
Repeat after me:
Beer before liquor, never been sicker; liquor before beer, you’re in the clear.”
***BREAKING*** sneaky teens trying to buy booze severely misjudge their height – 300ft trenchcoat behemoth said to contain 57 people
How many raisins do I have to add to this bag of M&Ms before it qualifies as trail mix? One? I say one.