Boyfriend walked into the bathroom as I was taking a tampon out.
He screamed: PLEASE SAY IT ISN’T LIT! I DON’T WANNA GO OUT LIKE THIS!
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I will never sell out my integrity unless I am offered something for it.
yeet
My wife just said that my favorite pair of jeans went upstate to live on a big, beautiful farm.
Don’t expect me to tweet between 8 & 9 pm because that’s when I dress like Madonna for an hour and dance provocatively in front of my pets.
Do you believe in life after love?
-Me as a Cher-apist
[My 8yo looking for something]
OMG WHERE IS IT IT’S GONE FOREVER WHAT DID YOU DO WITH IT I’LL NEVER FIND IT WHERE COULD IT BE MY LIFE IS RUINED WHYYYYYYY—oh, here it is.
Maybe trying to get out of the car with my seatbelt still on is my car’s way of saying I don’t need to go into the store for more cookies. I dunno.
I reply to “Happy New Year” with “not if I have anything to do with it.”
For whatever reason, I get super quiet when I hear a helicopter…like they are going to fly over my house and say, “WE KNOW HOW MANY TACO BELL SAUCE PACKETS YOU HAVE IN THERE.”
If Bats in Australia are THIS big, I’d hate to see the size of their Vampires
I hate it when people show up at MY house, knock on MY door, and then ask me why I’m not wearing pants.
Me: How’d you injure your back?
Friend: I dropped something, bent down to pick it up, and my back said, “You sure ’bout that?”
*hands out cups of all purpose flour to marathon runners*
I’m an adult, and I can eat whatever I want whenever I want, and I wish someone would take this power from me.
Before gravity was invented you had to tie down your cows or your cows would just float away
Once upon a time,
You weren’t listening to the story mommy was reading to you so everyone in the book dies. The end.
Dear parents of college students on Spring Break, Congrats!!! Many of you are about to be grandparents!!!
[interview at a clothing store]
be cool, don’t let them know you’re a dog
“so what color is this dress?”
oh you gotta be kidding me
I just tried to “Like” an email so I didn’t have to reply to it
i ask my toddler what’s in the box she’s holding. “chaos!” she replies. “chaos! chaos!” i know she’s trying to say “crayons,” but it’s not like she’s wrong.
I found if you put the right stickers on your cooler and walk as fast as you can they’ll let you in any part of the hospital you want.
Blocking anyone who tries to motivate me.
the twelve days of christmas is completely unrealistic there is no way that you’re still accepting gifts from someone after four days of birds
[first date at restaurant]
ME: so, do you like dogs?
HER: no, not really-
ME: [already at home watching Netflix petting my dog]
Coworker’s 9yo son asked to write a diary of a character from Macbeth. He chose the King.
Day 1: excited about visiting ma wee friend macbeth and hoping he does nae kill me in ma sleep.
day 2 (ghost king): i cannae believe he killed me
5 told me she was really sad but didn’t want to say why so I said if she talks about it, it might make her feel better and she said “I’m sad because there’s no caramel cheese” and now we’re both sad
You know people ask “how are you still single” to singles? It’d be funny if we started saying “how are you still married” to married people
I need to find just the perfect men’s swimsuit and then only ever wear it twice annually
if I accidentally respond “you too” after a fast-food clerk tells me to enjoy my meal, I shove some fries in their mouth so it isn’t awkward
Pre-Having Daughters:
*Hates hearing “NO” from womenPost-Having Daughters:
*Teaches them “NO” in 167 different languages including Klingon