ME: I thought only old people got that
DOCTOR:
ME:
DOCTOR:
ME: Oh…
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[working on a car]
me: this isn’t as easy as I thought
boss: get that desk off there
Cyber Monday is probably my favorite holiday to get paid to do my Christmas shopping at work.
-Honey, what made you fall in love with me?
-Your mother.
-But my mother lives 5000 miles away.
-That’s why…
I have so many chores that I need to do, what Netflix show should I binge watch?
Enemas make shit happen. No seriously.
The global energy crisis could be solved if only we could harness the power of my wife slamming my car door.
“Give me your hand!”
“But-“
“You’re gonna have to trust me!”
What’s so funny?
The problem with millennials is they were taught to look up to Pokemon not *struggles to think of a thing old people respect* Mussolini
“How many witches does it take to change a lightbulb?”
“Depends, into what?”
I once tried playing tennis with a cymbal but it made a terrible racket
Great! I just wet my pants. Now people are gonna think I spilled my drink on myself.
Always be kind to people, you never know who may own a boat.
I put the “pro” in inappropriate
[science fair]
Kid: I made a volcano!
Judge: *trampling children* EVERY MAN FOR HIMSELF!
Me: Hi, mom. I’m feeling tremendous guilt.
Mom: Why?
Me: Just thought I’d save you the effort.
You missed Mass online, which isn’t great, but you can watch Ben Hur now for partial credit.
The suburbs are powerful. No matter how strong you think you are, by day two you’re eating dinner at 4 and asking what the weather’s looking like tomorrow
Today I bought new wipers at Canadian Tire, walked out to the parking lot and replaced them, threw the old ones in the trash can by the main doors, walked back to my car, only to realize I replaced the wipers on the wrong car.
Magician: Abracadabra!
[cloud of smoke as woman volunteer disappears]
Husband (stands up): YES! …I mean, noooo. *quietly sits down*
Maybe don’t show me a picture if you don’t want me to rate your baby.
College is expensive, BUT your student ID saves $3 at the movies. So really it pays for itself if you go to the theater 30,000 times.
My attachment style is PDF which is why older people don’t know how to get me to open up half the time
It’s so rude when someone else is using your toilet cubicle at work
My wife is great at multitasking. She can be mad at me for five different things at the same time.
Chemistry teacher: Did you know that protons have mass?
Me: I didn’t ever know they were catholic
Teacher: 😐😐😐
Cheese is plural because you never eat just one chee
Went to the store without my dentures because what are the odds Scarlett Johansson and I would be reaching for the same box of fish sticks?
Raising Twins
Twin 1: *looking at an old photo album* Is this me?
Me: I literally have no idea.
waiter: would u like the bill?
me: no I would not