Wife: “You talk like some poorly written science fiction novel. I’m leaving you.”
Me: “I swear by the 12 moons of Bumtar I can change!”
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When you take your relationship with your Roomba to the next level.
Roombae.
Having a personal trainer at the gym is like having that bully in school. They still terrorize you, but now they make you do pistol squats before taking your lunch money.
And by noon on the 7th day, God said these kids need some iPads.
When you go in the other room I ask your dog what you look like naked.
the enemy of my enemy is my enemy in law
onna these days onna these millionaires needa finally make my “wheres that steak smell comin from” app. im in front of a bookstore, this aint it
Apple want $3,500 for their Vision Pro. No thanks. I can look like a dork for free.
John Travolta is the only person in history to have ever had chills that were capable of doing math.
Me: I know something we can do tonight 😉
My husband: You superglued your eye shut again and I need to drive you to the ER
Me: yeah ;(
A few years back a guy in law school asked me how much for a foot massage and being the idiot I am, thought he was asking how much I paid for reflexology so I said “I pay $50 plus a tip but my guy is booked for the next 3 months” and he didn’t talk to me again until 2L year
Maybe I carry an axe. You don’t know. I could love you to pieces…
support small businesses like a mouse selling tiny umbrellas or even a bee selling tiny umbrellas
Accidentally put the Ouija board in the monopoly box so now whenever you land on free parking it summons a ninth level demon
T-shirts I own: 384835³
T-shirts I wear: 6
Zombies..stay away from junk people or you’ll gain a shit-ton of weight.
When your bio says “No DMs,” I wanna DM you SO BAD and just say:
“OK.”
*deleted Titanic scene*
Jack: don’t worry Rose, fat floats
Rose: so do doors with only ONE person on it!!
you cannot hurt me. you are not a hip height table corner
We’re at the top of the food chain, but let’s not be too full of ourselves.
After all, some of us can be felled by a single peanut.
AMERICA:
Here in the UK
we refer to Jay Z as “Jay Zed”
Ice T as “Ice Ted”
And LL Cool J as “Led Led Cool Jed”
AHHHHHHHH HONEY COME QUICK THERE’S A RAT IN THE SHOwer oh uh never mind, it’s just my hair in the drain
Me: I hate being quarantine alone. I wish I lived with someone.
Mom: take your father, he’s driving me insane
Me: I’m good
[interrogation]
ME: I’ll only answer questions if that officer over there starts kissing my face
COP: Again, the police dog isn’t an officer
[me as a realtor]
the crawl space is probably full of bones already but you can always add more bones yourself
A lady once dmed and asked if we had internet in Brazil. I think about it a lot
“i have good news & bad news”
wife: bad news 1st
“the washing machine broke”
wife: and the good news?
“the dogs are clean AF”
“Good parenting isn’t giving your kid everything she needs, but giving her the tools to get it for herself” I say, handing my 6yo a crossbow
Biden: I wonder if I’ll still get free ice cream when I’m no longer VP
Obama: Joe, we have bigger problems.
Biden:
I love the idea of Frankenstein applying for a research grant and having to admit he’s skipping the testing on mice and going directly for human trials.
If you can pronounce Worcestershire I’ll assume you can do all sorts of fun things with your tongue.