If someone is throwing shade, they’re doing you a favor. Use it, avoid sun damage; let your perfect skin be something else for them to hate.
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get you a girl who
Clerk: What do you do at work?
Me: Write stupid jokes on Twitter.
Clerk: You can get paid for that?
Me: Hell no. That’s why I do it at work.
My dog just swallowed a bag of Scrabble tiles, so I took him to the vet.
No word yet.
Whenever I leave a fancy restaurant, I like to tell the diners coming in “I recommend the tandoori cat.”
I love making pasta when I have a ton of dirty dishes in the sink. just dump that hot water in there when you’re done, and bam! you’ve got dinner and a set of totally clean dishes!
Asked a guy in the garden area of Home Depot if he had anything that won’t die.
He replied: My Mother-in-law!
We fist bumped.
fired
angel: whatcha making?
god: *buffing a shark* dolphin
ME: i have a cold
WIFE: for the last time it’s called an ice cube
I’m not allowed to use the credit card anymore, last month I bought 43 falcons
My parents, 2017:
“Put down your phone and hang out with your kids.”My parents, 1989:
“Shhh, not now, we’re watching TV.”
Ever get up to tell your boss something and then decide to email it to him instead because it would look more like you’ve been doing something?
I don’t think ‘safe sex’ sounds like a very good idea. I mean, what if you get locked in and forget the combination
My husband and I decided we don’t want to have children.
We will be telling them tonight.
i don’t think the t-rex’s arms were that small i just think a frustrated paleontologist grabbed two bones and lied
Fun fact: Whenever no one is looking at Mount Rushmore, the presidents’ heads all make out.
Outside is where I can see all the leg hair I missed when shaving so maybe I should be shaving my legs outside.
*my teenage sons being loud, laughing, making inappropriate jokes*
Me: SHHHH! The windows are open & the neighbors are outside!
Son: Well, I’m a little offended they haven’t laughed yet.
It’s a myth that we only use 10% of our brain, but I definitely know people who use less than that.
*throws penny in fountain for good luck
*penny seems upset and doesn’t want a second date
ME: I wish I could fix this problem
SOLUTION TO MY PROBLEM: Hey there-
ME: [avoiding eye contact] If only there was a way…
Purgatory but it’s just my daughter trying to count to 10 but stopping at 7 and starting over
Eating my way out of the ball pit.
My 4yo is trying to sell my own M&M’s back to me. This guy’s going places.
Me: I just feel really sad and helpless. It’s like nothing I do can make things better.
Brain: Have you tried eating an entire sheet of brownies about it?
Me: What?
Brain: Eat brownies about it.
Me: [Pre-heating the oven] makes sense.
I googled “how freaking long can it possibly take to play 18 holes of golf?” if you wanted to know how much trouble my husband is in tonight.
Well kids, when a man and woman love each other very much, he erects a monument for her, but in his pants.
“I’ll just stagger around yelling random, incoherent shit as people try to keep me from hurting myself.”
Drunks and 1 year olds.
HR: Know why we called you down?
Me: Hmm…my trench coat?
HR: Try again.
Me: Because I’m naked under my trench coat?
Dungeons and Dragons is popular because it appeals to the human fantasy of having a group of friends who can come over at a regular time