Parenting books don’t prepare you for the moment your seven year old asks for Brussels sprouts in his lunchbox
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Remember when everyone died before gluten-free bread?
My wife is mad at me because I gave up looking for one particular black sock in a basket full of socks and after having pulled 7 different black socks out I quit.
Shutdown Apocalypse Update: GPS is down. Using a refrigerator magnet as a compass. I think it’s just pointing to another refrigerator.
[inventing the boomerang]
OH SHIT, IT’S BACK
Mary and Joseph chose to have Jesus in a barn rather than spend Christmas with their families.
My daughter once asked me “If you were a fruit and you had one wish, what would you wish for?”
So far all my ideas have been rejected as not “fruit appropriate”
Either way, I don’t think we should let Shrodinger near any more cats.
“Honey?! What did you feed him? His poop is huge … and green!”
[the first of many struggles that Bruce Banner’s parents faced]
Got CPR and CCR confused. Ended up playing “Fortunate Son” on my boombox while watching a man die.
When older people say, “Enjoy them while they are young.”
They are talking about your knees and hips not your kids.
sometimes i forget my high school chemistry teacher had beef with me, a 16 year old, because i told her i didn’t like the big bang theory
Viking funerals are perfect for when you want to honor a friend and also get rid of a boat.
Nothing makes me worry more than the kids saying “Don’t worry, we cleaned it up”
my name is luke but my friends dont call me
[Dollar Store Interview]
“What are your qualifications?”[Slides over a dollar]
“Cashier job is yours”[Slides $2]
“Welcome to Management”
Make friends with an enemy today. Hug them. Caress their cheek. Lick their eyeball. Cough directly into their mouth.
Help is a magic word.
Say it to people & watch them disappearing from the horizon of your life.
Every relationship needs boundaries…
….mine are set at 500 feet according to the paperwork.
My parents are still threatening to put me up for adoption.
Keep your friends’ cake
and your enemies’ cake.
I do this really cute thing, where if I walk by a car that has a stick figure family on their back window, I peel a kid off.
4: am i asleep?
me:
4: mom??
me: i…i feel like this is a trick
if you like christmas so much why don’t you merry it
7-11 CLERK: what are you doing
ME: *staring at the hot dogs on the metal rollers* watching the oscars
Don’t waste electricity. Would you
like it if I turned you on and walked
away?
What’s the problem, you said dress however I feel comfortable for meeting your parents and it turns out this SpongeBob SquarePants costume is very comfortable.
If my 6 year old tells me someone was “mean to him” I never know if they stole his bike or tried to cook him a healthy meal.
guys please don’t talk about the healthcare vote I’ve got it tivoed
There’s no problem you can’t solve with a great night of dancing.
Except for a broken foot.
Then you should see a doctor.
How to get your kids to stop coming with you to Target:
Son: Mom, can you buy this for me?
Me: I’m not your Mom.
Son: Mom, stop.
Me: Let’s go find your Mom.
Son: MOM, STOP!
Me: SECURITY!