7: Where are you and Mom going tonight?
Me: To meet with your teacher.
7: Oh, you don’t need to. I already saw her today.
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I heard once that you should always wear clean underwear just in case you get hit by a bus.
Me, dying under a bus, I vaguely see the outline of the knicker police approaching: Oh no.
[Elementary School sends out the “time to check lost and found for your child’s missing items” annual email…]
Me: Hello, U-haul…Me again…Imma need your biggest truck
[text]
Her: I picked up buffalo wings.
Me: * moves furniture around
* rolls out plastic sheeting
“Stop slapping your brother’s forehead with that bacon.”
——‘What are things I never thought I’d need to say today’ for $100, Alex
they should put mayonnaise in a spray bottle and called it sprayonnaise. lol the government allows me to vote
my husband and I got into an argument because he says I waste money so as an act of apology I bought him a penguin
Climate Change is just a scam to sell more Climate.
If you tell your coworkers you sleep in the nude, no one bothers you when you close your office doors at 2pm every day.
[summons a demon]
demon: oh crap jury duty
I’m ok with women faking it in bed. I faked everything to get her there.
I’m Indian but not “able to read sanskrit” Indian so slow down there Raj, aside from the heart eye emojis I have no idea wtf your DM means.
You know who DOES see something wrong with a little bump n’ grind?
Trevor in human resources.
A girl with kaleidoscope eyes sounds horrifying.
Me: Hi, the names Pete. What’s yours?
Engelbert Humperdinck: Engelbert Humperdinck
Me: Fine, don’t tell me.
I have a head cold but I’m telling everyone it’s covid so they’ll social distance away from me.
Me: Ugh, these edibles are crap. I don’t feel a thing.
Cockroach sitting next to me on the sofa: Tell me about it, sister.
If drinking too much alcohol makes you an alcoholic, does drinking too much Fanta make you fantastic?
Clark Kent: *absentmindedly takes off his glasses*
Lois Lane: oh my god are you … a plane?
My therapist encouraged me to stop bending over backwards for people. But just between us, I really miss yoga.
You act like you’ve never seen a grown woman ride a carousel horse without kids.
Me, at 20: I’d really like kids one day!
Me: at 40 with 3 kids: I’ve changed my mind
when you’re supposed to be in bed but the grown-ups’ dinner party is too loud
Lady: Don’t go there it’s a very Brad neighborhood
Me: Brad?
*Hundreds of Brads ascend from the sewers. Time stops. The sky turns Brad*
Hi, childless people. I just meticulously peeled the skin off a pickle. Cuz the pickle was “bumpy.”
Enjoy your day. Not de-bumping pickles.
So, it turns out “hey, check out this rash” isn’t a great pick-up line.
I missed two of my mom’s calls, so I assume the helicopter that just flew over my house is part of the search crew she called.
My wife’s biggest fear isn’t that we’ll die from Coronavirus, it’s that we’ll die from Coronavirus and the kids will go through our stuff and find out that mom and dad were into some really freaky shit.
Never been caught up in a rap feud but I did once fall afoul of a patisserie chef who in an act of revenge named a particularly basic pastry after me.
“You know, your ex-wife was trash! I never liked her.”
“We’re still married, Grandma.”
“She’s such a lovely girl.”
If you’re having second thoughts….
you’re ahead of most people.