When I’m having a bad day nothing sets me off quite like trying to pull one wipe out of the container and 47 more coming with it
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Who decided that we have to get stuff done every day?
[French restaurant]
DANIEL: Promise me, not again
MIYAGI: Promise. [raises hand] Garcon?
[waiter comes]
D: Don-
M: [waves hand] Garcoff
[last supper]
“Tonight, one of you will betray me for 20 pieces of silver.”
“30.”
“Sorry Judas?”
[sips wine]
“I didn’t say anything.”
This man told me he was going to convince me to date him bc he is AmeriCAN not American’t and I’m officially applying to move to Mars now
WAP when I’m involved is likely to be Waffles and Pancakes
Can America keep it down?
Canada needs to work on Monday.
My 12yo daughter has a male friend in her room right now and I just heard her say the word “romance” through the door, so if you need me I’ll be knocking on their door with panic-snacks every 10 minutes and weeping salty dad-tears the rest of the time
I’m not only the woman your Mother warned you about, I’m the one your Father highly recommended.
Customer: Why do you own a hot dog stand when you draw and write?
Me: Wanna buy my book?
Them: No.
Me: That’s why I own a hot dog stand.
There’s been lots of “OH MY GOD!” screams coming from the room opposite mine; I just wish the couple in there didn’t pick now to be praying.
God’s Wife: I just need some space!
God: (passive aggressively creates the universe)
My dog: I can do a magic trick.
Me: what?
Dog: I can turn cat poop into dog poop.
Me: please don’t.
him: I’m like the potato of people
me: lumpy
him: no, I-
me: covered in dirt
him: god dammit
The transition from Lego kid to Nerf kid provides a lot of relief to parents’ feet.
I’m writing Spider Ma’am, about a middle aged woman who gets bitten by a radioactive spider but keeps it to herself because she doesn’t freaking need this.
A faceplant is the ultimate fusion cuisine
Ask yourself, is she really crazy? Or is she just trying to get out of the next family event?
[Jurassic Park]
kid: What do you call a blind dinosaur?
me: What?
kid: Do-you-think-he-saurus
me *pushes him out of the tree*
Today I’m approaching teens dressed like I’m from the future, locking eyes, and saying “Happy Presidents Day, sir” with a wink
Gary was no plumber but applying the knowledge acquired from previous experience he quickly fixes the leak by just leaving a bowl under it.
Pro-tip to avoid corona-virus
Eat garlic.
Lots of garlic.
It won’t do anything against the virus, but it will keep other people away.
Every time I see a jogger that looks like they’re just about to pass out from running I always think, “Do they know they don’t need to be jogging?”
I don’t wash my car for months but the first week I do it rains 5 times. 😡
I dropped my soap in the shower. On purpose. Nothing happened. You guys are full of it.
Stop it! 😂
I LEFT MY TEDDY IN MY ROOM AND THE HOUSEKEEPER DID THIS??;!;!;!!;!;
My grandma: I found some toys in storage you can give to your daughter!
Me: oh cool what are they?
Grandma:
One of the most romantic things a rose can do for another rose is leave a trail of human body parts from the front door to the bedroom.
Every parent becomes a hostage negotiator when their toddler seizes control of an open bottle of syrup.