[cruising down highway in friend’s car with windows down]
me: [opens bag of glitter]
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*sees a baby deer drinking from a stream*
*very quietly pulls out phone*
*likes Ice-T on Facebook*
It was taking a really long time for the salt shaker to fill up and then I remembered that I’m high.
<—– gave a man a heart attack by admitting he was right
If you’re ever chased by a police dog, try not to go through a tunnel, over a little seesaw and through a hoop of fire.
They’re trained for that.
It’s funny how your tweets are funnier now that I know you’re hot.
-everyone on Twitter
Instead of death, we should just call it ‘eternity leave’
Yes, mother, I have gained weight.
No, it was not appropriate to point it out by pinching my muffin top in front of thirty people.
Your head is basically just the smartest part of your body wrapped in the spookiest part of your body.
Tearfully waving out the train window as my girlfriend runs alongside
*45 minutes later*
She’s still keeping pace. It’s inhuman. Everyone on the train is screaming. I’m begging her to stop but she can’t hear me. Her eyes are pure white. Police helicopters circle overhead
Boy, I hate small talk.
*coworkers all grimace*
He’s right behind me isn’t he?
*Small talk starts cracking his knuckles*
I made the mistake of meeting one of my cat’s demands and now he has more.
[job interview]
Interviewer: It says here that you are a blowfish. Would you care to expand?
Ratatouille me.
Sit on my head and pull my hair.
My right hand: I’ll hold these three Trader Joe’s bags, your overstuffed tote and one awkward rope handled shopping bag
My left hand: imma pet this doggie
Board Member: Sir are you sure you wanna name your new burger restaurant after the time you caught your ex-wife cheating on you?
Five Guys CEO: you heard me
HEADS UP: if I can’t get around you on the sidewalk, I join your family
My daughter is playing “Away in a Manger” on the recorder if anyone wanna come over.
The Olympics were so inspiring I’m now commuting to work via pole vault
The coolest feature of being over age 40 is now when I get a pimple it only takes 14 months to go away.
pretending to have read books in a conversation: setting yourself up for embarrassment, corny, ontologically evil?
saying “oh yeah never read it but i’ve heard really good things”: yo who is this mysterious woman who hears things? her informational ecosystem seems lowkey robust?
What I thought was happening: a coworker handed me my vape bc I left it laying around
What was actually happening: my coworker was showing me her new vape which neither of us knew looked exactly like mine
What I did: said “oh thanks” and put it in my pocket
“All dogs love me. He’s friendly! Look how he’s smiling, showing me his teeth.”
“Hey Buddy, let me just grab your collar to read your ta”
And those were his last words
You’re not USELESS…
I’m just saying that 300 years ago YOU would’ve been the one to test which mushrooms the village could & couldn’t eat
I eat the fries that are loose at the bottom of the bag first. That’s what they get for trying to escape.
Women seem to want security. At least that’s what they yell whenever I approach them.
I open my wallet and an accordion of pictures fall out but they’re all of me holding loaves of bread like a fish I caught.
LOL pills that say don’t take with alcohol. Ok Doc, how do YOU
suggest I take my medication then?
Why is it called a backhanded compliment and not a slampliment?
“We’ll call you” – OH NO
“You call us” – OH NO