I sleep with a bat under my bed in case someone breaks in and wants to learn about echolocation
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the noise i just made
One two three whole cakes devoured, and suddenly nobody believes you’re on a diet
*pretends to get an urgent text so I can turn around after I notice I’m walking in the wrong direction*
During my prostate exam I asked the doctor, “where should I put my pants”? “Over there by mine”, was not the answer I was expecting.
Dad law states that you can use your kids’ piggy bank money to pay the ice cream truck. Especially when your wife and kids aren’t home.
If there’s anything Urban Dictionary has taught me it’s that I shouldn’t be so curious at times.
british sex workers really pound for pound
Me: I can’t believe it’s not butter!!
Wife: Well, that’s suntan lotion so I don’t know why you’re surprised
Me: *continues eating
Once I heard a guy who climbed Everest say he did it, “Because it was there” and I just feel like the reason for undertaking one of the most strenuous feats in human existence should be different than the reason I ate an entire gallon of ice cream.
I’m experimenting with how many apples I need to eat a day to keep EVERYONE away, whatever their profession.
If you’re getting serious about someone, check what number their toaster is set on, because that’s what you’re going to be living with.
All I’m saying is, the minute Canada starts refining its maple syrup reserves into weapons-grade Aunt Jemimium, we’re all French toast.
Me: How do you guys want your steaks cooked?
Kids: Cook them so they taste like chicken nuggets.
[First day working in a warehouse]
ME: What’s that machine for?
“Oh, that’s the forklift”
ME: OH MY GOD HOW HEAVY ARE YOUR FORKS??
Just finished filming my new movie, “Death on the Sidewalk.” I shot it with my car’s back-up camera.
KID: *falls out of tree* I’m fine
ADULT: *sleeps on neck a little strangely* I have to turn my whole body to look at you for the next week
I say I want a gf but I don’t even know what I’d do with one. Do you just kiss her and leave her alone in a corner? How often does it eat?
Why do we call them “restrictions,” anyway? Do you look at a life-jacket and think “there’s my drowning restriction”?
A horror movie but the killer wears flip flops so there’s an ominous “thwip thwip” sound as he hunts you down.
*me laying on the couch naked & posed as they walk in*
Wife: The note said come to my parents for a ‘quiche’ you idiot.
Lord give me the strength to stop buying a sausage roll every single time I pass somewhere that sells sausage rolls.
oh shoot the farmers market was out of cocoa krispies and actually ‘never had them’ and they ‘don’t think I understand what a farmers market is’
It was to keep our furry overlords content😉
The main difference between my dog and my kid is my dog responds to her name being called
me: i need a dr appointment
reception: ok plz verify your birthday
me: it’s this friday
reception: thanks
me: but you don’t have to get me anything
reception: umm, ok
me: there’s really nothing i even need
reception: ok i wasn-
me: size 12. in rollerblades i’m size 12
when ppl on here get in trouble they tweet ‘cute animal’ pictures
Me: I’m just really tired, like, I only have enough brain power to think “where’s Kate Middleton?”
Therapist: Oh I haven’t really kept up on that
Me: OH HO HO
Every time I see inside my neighbour’s incredibly pristine garage, I wonder what secret shenanigans he is up to in his basement.
This mosh pit at Chuck E. Cheese ain’t gonna start itself
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of using our years of education to change the world we can be butlers to tiny people who won’t stop screaming at us.