I have learned to sneak up on my work colleagues and sit down without them noticing, just to have them turn around see them nearly shit themselves.
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Teenage son gets academic honors every year in school, yet he can’t cut a straight line with a lawnmower. I believe I am being played……
You can literally say any Italian sounding words and pass it off as pasta.
I had bossatony micelli carbonara tonight.
This is the worst carnival ever. I can’t believe they blocked the street off for this.
Sir, this is a crime scene.
[married people conversations]
Wife: babe, what’s the guys name from that movie we watched on Netflix that one time?
Me: Joseph Gordon-Levitt.
Wife: that’s it! thanks!
[seeing a gumball machine full of bees]
give me a quarter
Amaranth, bulgur, kamut, quinoa.…a list of ancient grains sounds suspiciously like an list of Elder Gods.
There are many effective ways of inviting me to your event but doing it on Facebook is definitely not one of them.
*Pikachu dies*
Ghost of Pikachu: At least in death I’m allowed a respite from the technological prison that is a pokeball.
*ghostbusters arrive*
son: can I borrow your tie for my interview
dad: my what
son: I need a tie
dad: one more time
son: *sighs* your business necklace
Honestly people shouldn’t even be allowed to talk until they’re like 35 years old.
I don’t know what Dorothy’s problem was, tornadoes are great means of transportation
I don’t drive a flashy car, but the cop behind me does.
wife: didn’t i tell you?
me: yes, you did
wife: you didn’t listen
me: no, I did not
wife: what did i say?
me: you heard turtles in the walls
wife: what did you say?
me: i said you were crazy
wife: what will you do now?
me: i’ll call the turtle guy
wife: you’ll call the turtle guy
Been given the task of creating the perfect fish pun and, friends, the struggle is eel
nobody:
ppl with clear cases:
chiropractor: so how’s your back been?
backstreet: alright
At my age, “you shook me all night long” sounds like a complaint.
[at my funeral]
boss : you’re LATE
My body treating me like we’re in a relationship by giving me weird little surprises even after 37 years.
So we agree when the zombies come we feed em the teenagers first, right?
Wow, you’ve got a lot of hickeys Kris.
Me: Busy weekend *winks
*remembers wrestling that octopus at the aquarium for giving me side eye.
Occasionally I set cases of beer out for the garbage men. Never know when you might need them to take out “suspicious” trash w/out questions
*turns on the passenger seat warmer, for the pizza
I’m just a boy… Standing in front of a girl…
Her: “Move.”
*Friend hands me their baby. I whisper*
The blood so fresh & pure. It’s perfect for the sacrifice.
And that’s how I get out of babysitting.
My boyfriend is not gay!! So please next time you see him with some girls dnt come telling me.
Cutting toxic people out of my life. No more “friends” covered in hydrofluoric acid who think it’s “cool” to eat lead
Jealous that my phone can just die for a little while
Got kicked out of the grocery store again for re-enacting the pottery scene from Ghost with a wheel of cheese.
I dunno, maybe don’t play Unchained Melody on the loud speaker and we won’t have this problem.
[boss finds pics of me snowboarding]
“You missed work bc you said you were sick…& judging from these pics, YOU WERENT LYING”
*fist bump*