“Sexy role play.. I’ll be a dentist.”
“I’m here for my appointment”
“Did you book in with Karen first?”
“No?”
“Please leave, I’m very busy.”
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Me:Come in. It’s not like I’m a serial killer.
Him:*laughs nervously*
Me: *laughing* u have to murder more than 2 ppl for it to be serial
Job interview:
– Good morning
– Good morning
– Have you got a twitter account?
– Yes
– Ok, thanks for your time. We’ll get back to you
when someone compliments me
MARRIAGE PROTIP – Guys, if you have a picture of your junk on your phone, you better be sure your wife has a copy of it on hers. Good talk.
“Don’t worry, I’ll hold your stuff. You just worry about making friends.” – Cargo Pants
I won $6 on a scratch-off last night. Out of my way, peasants!
Sorry I ruined our sexy video chat by repeating, “come and play with us, Danny” in my creepy twins-from-The-Shining voice.
The year is 2063 and you ask your grandson if you can venmo him. He tells you to just stick your finger in his ear. Cmon grandpa, nobody venmos anymore. Just stick your finger in my ear
Heaven is like arriving at Disneyland. Hell is like still being at Disneyland three weeks later.
My favourite part of today was when my kids hugged it out and then checked their backs for kick me signs.
I don’t understand why people get excited about carbon dating.
But then perhaps I just haven’t met the right pencil.
[having heart attack] HELP…CAN’T…MOVE
ME: Dude, are you ok?!
[faintly] CALL…ME…A…DOCTOR
ME: Oh, sorry!! Doctor, are you ok?!
8-year-old: Can I have a turn with the pressure washer?
Me: Fine. But you can’t spray your sisters.
8: Never mind.
Thank God I wasn’t on twitter when I was in college. It would’ve taken me 65 years to get my degree.
[Dorothy, years after Oz, recounting her adventures to her grandchildren]
DOROTHY: *Smiles warmly* When I was your age, I murdered a woman and stole her shoes.
me to wife: the mailman refuses to deliver mail here anymore
me three days ago: I should build replicas of all the traps in home alone
Kill me once. I’m dead.
Kill me twice. I’m a dead ghost.
A guy I know got bitten by a radioactive bedbug. He spent 3 weeks in a coma, but when he came round again he was able to fold a fitted sheet
They say all dogs eventually look like their owners……..that’s unfortunate for your dog
I find it creepy that everything Bryan Adams does, he does it for me.
Establish dominance by jumping into a cake.
You guys have been the worst hostages I’ve ever used, hands down.
*everyone lowers their hands*
GODDAMN IT!!
How to make a woman scream in the bedroom: marry her and leave your clothes on the floor.
[Chris Hemsworth posts 85 videos of him working out hard, eating right, and looking amazing]
Me: must be good genetics
*sees a babe about to walk through a puddle*
“No no, allow me”
*gets on hands and knees and drinks the entire puddle so the babe stays dry*
anime mfs be like “i promise it gets better just wait till episode 561 bro”
Friend who once recommended a movie where the dog died: Don’t worry, you can trust me
Me *whispers*: never again
Sugar is cheap. I want an avocado daddy.
The U.S. has more prisons than degree-granting colleges. How absurd. To fix that, we should merge some prisons and split up some colleges.
Chicks like it when you let out a loud “AWOOGA” when you see her naked