My bike just got a flat tire, or, as they say in England, my bike just got an apartment tire
You Might Also Like
Dress for the job you want others to think you have.
1) In the interest of time, would ye noble patriots please provide a list of infractions punishable by spontaneous public execution? Thanks!
*sees cute bald guy in sunglasses
*spends 10 minutes flirting from across the bar
*realizes sunglasses are on the back of his head
When a tough guy comes at me like “Hey! You want some of THIS?!” I’m scared, but also it’s like… thank you for asking, you know?
{Stalker Diary}
Went through his trash.
He buys the generic Fruit Loops. I remain committed. I find his frugalness irresistible.
My husband and I are looking for someone to play the harmonica while we have sex, no weirdos please.
When I’m guilted into going to a dinner party I didn’t want to, I like to sneak off into the kitchen and slip a few small pieces of LEGO into the pepper grinder that’ll be used at the table. That way dinner is colourful and festive.
*first day as a pilot*
Me: sıɥʇ ʇɐ pɐq ɯɐ I ou ɥo
Why I hate technology:
Most of my lightbulbs now have a longer life expectancy than me.
“…She is survived by one son , three porch lights and one ceiling fan bulb”
Think before you yell at your kids. They are the ones who might have to bring you toilet paper in 20 minutes
i put my exercise bike together, no spare parts, i am absolutely drunk on testosterone, i’ll never need another map.
[first day in prison]
me: I was told to join the meanest, most violent group in here so I was wondering if you guys had a spot open
guard: what
People who say “in and of itself” are responsible for most of the trouble in the world.
My ex-wife could’ve pushed Gandhi to violence.
Ben Affleck works at Dunkin’ Donuts in their new #SuperBowl ad.
[preparing chicken for lunch]
me: it’s a meal we eat at middaychicken: gotcha
Him: You smell nice. What is that?
Me: [twirling my hair] Cough drops
Janice, from HR: Ok, so we’re clear. From now on no biting, right?
Me: Yeah, whatever. *adds “influenced policy” to my resume*
Air pods looking like an angry frog
we are always told “don’t eat the cookies that are cooling on the tray” and then “don’t eat the cookies that are in the jar” the loophole in this system is to eat the cookies while they are still baking in the oven.
For the last time I said CAULK, I need black CAULK.
This isn’t funny, what isle is it in
Cop: This is a ticket for drunk and disorderly behavior.
Me: Can I have another? I’d like to bring a guest.
There should be an “oh my god, shut up already” button.
Why does my 2yo insist on looking homeless when we leave the house?
I have precisely ZERO idea what people are doing when they inspect inside their egg boxes at the supermarket. But for 20 odd years I’ve dutifully opened the box, nodded appreciatively, and then put my eggs in the trolley without the faintest idea what the hell I’m doing or why.
Whenever a long lost friend calls me, I get suspicious & wonder if he’s calling me to sell Amway products..
[Marriage Counseling]
Wife: He’s always messing up even the simplest phrases.
Me: I THOUGHT we were gonna keep that on the download…
I’m so mad I put my fist through a wall. I HATE BEING A GHOST
School email said if we shop at a certain store a potion will be donated, and that sounds way more exciting than money