[bed]
ME: [with one foot poking out of the covers] Monsters could get me
ME: [pulling foot under covers] I am now completely safe
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I thought my cat was just quiet. Found out he’s been seething with anger for 8 years. But in a really, really cute way.
Tweet about drinking too much = 50 quick likes
Facebook about drinking too much = A phone call from my mom
me: I’d like 2 copies of Math For Dummies
cashier: they’re $5 a piece
me: [sweating profusely] here’s $47.00
I just accidentally ordered a $300 bottle of wine on this cruise and now my wife is thinking of throwing me overboa
I like to add winky faces to non sexual sentences.
“I put the rest of the water in the fridge ;)”
my roommate is freaked out.
My nephew found a cassette tape in my house. It was like watching early man discover fire.
Child twister: “I can’t tear up that farmhouse, Dad”
Dad twister: “Come on son – we’re Kansas tornadoes, not Kan’tsas tornadoesn’ts”
Me to anyone else: “it’s in that cabinet”
Me to my husband:
“it’s in the upper cabinet next to the fridge on the left at eye level. It’s bright green. It’s right there. IT’S RIGHT THERE”
[Installing ceiling fan]
Me: drill…screwdriver… tape…there finished!Wife on the phone: Is this Bob’s fix-it shop? Yeah, he just got done.
My last remaining brain cells uniting as I try to help my 8 yr old with their math
i respect snow plows bc their whole job is to take a giant mess and push it to the side for someone else to deal w later
I would enjoy running errands much more if there were beds I could nap in strewn about
I go to the same coffee shop twice every morning, 1st with my dogs, right out of bed, second on my way to work after I have brushed my hair and put on makeup.
I’m fairly certain thr barista thinks I’m 2 different people.
Me: That’s pretty sus
12yo: Never say that again
Me: Why?
12yo: It sounded weird when you said it
Me:
12yo:
Me: Your rules are sus
To me, the worst part of the prostate exam is when the doctor says, “Guess how many fingers.”
i don’t feel like cooking, but i’m too exhausted to say thank you 53 times at a restaurant.
Sorting out the photos on my phone now would be too easy. No, I’m going to wait another 5 years for when I’ve got several billion more
Kentucky names the shit out of places
[Firing squad]
Sergeant: Blindfold?
Me: You promi—
Sergeant: Yes, yes, I promise nobody will tickle you
[throws grenade into enemy trench]
Me: shit, give that back. That was an avocado
my kids wanted fruit instead of cinnamon rolls this am so now I’m left wondering what heinous tantrum is coming later to equal it all out
Wife’s asleep, so while watching TV I apologized to her corner spot on the sofa, for opening the bag of chips during key scenes
ME: *walks in with ball rammed into my mouth* Happeh nuh?
JUDGE: Not what a gagging order means! Are you sure you want to defend yourself?
What is the acceptable amount of deviled eggs one can eat in a job interview? This dude just said 5 is too many, and that CANNOT be right?
i can’t stop writing holiday rom com synopses so i guess i’ll just continue doing it until my hands fall off
Happy Birthday Abraham Lincoln.
If he were alive today, Abraham would be 210 years old and 77 feet tall.
90% of your body is water. 6% is delusion. 4% is lies.
Once a year you should legally be allowed to end someone else’s date. Just hand them a card that says “Overheard you two talking and it’s imperative for humankind that you don’t pursue this further. Thanks.”
Eating in my 40s is confusing: I’m young enough that I still need to take care of my body, but old enough that I don’t want to risk having a salad as my last meal.
dumbshit neighbor: is that your dog running around your backyard?
me: no, that’s a fence