Me: OMG, I haven’t seen you in so long!
Her: We’ve never met.
Me: That long huh?
You Might Also Like
The bad news is your life flashes before your eyes a lot once your teenagers start driving. The good news is you can have that margarita at lunch.
I have an eating disorder. I’m about to eat dis order of pizza, dis order of fries and dis order of nuggets.
Um how poor are you to sell your own yard? For real. And like, nobody’s going to buy it with tables full of junk all over it. Geez. Idiots.
I was dating a Masseuse but he rubbed me up the wrong way so now I’m dating his brother the chiropractor, who so really cracks me up.
Doctor: ok, just need a urine sample & we’re done.
Me handing him my boxers: I’m in a rush. Just wring these out.
And I don’t want to hear people from imaginary places like Finland telling me that 57 degrees isn’t cold, save it for the elves, Santa
Wow, after that bathroom experience, this made me wish my sinus plugged up from allergies.
A new dating show where couples have 30 minutes to meet, date, get engaged, get married, buy a house, raise 3 kids, retire, travel and die old together.
Parents that need to reheat coffee are adorable.
Hardened parents will chug it cold, or chew straight up coffee grounds; they’re desperate.
Dads are never closer to their pioneer heritage than when they are seeking out a spot for their family at the beach.
When you have bad handwriting, notes to yourself are just fun little mysteries you get to solve later on.
I’d love this…lol
And then the recipe said “booze optional” and we laughed and laughed and laughed.
How it started How it’s going
Monday, why can’t you be more like Tuesday and have tacos
Me: *wearing my Burger King crown
Passport photographer: No
Yeah yeah “Friends with Benefits” are cool but have you tried “Friends with Batteries”? Less drama!
Serious talk at the office of replacing me with one of those fainting goats.
LOOOOOOL
He stole my heart, so I stole his last name. Is the slogan of a very famous body parts and new ID shop in Mexico.
Pro Tip: If you stand outside a restaurant wearing a red jacket, people will literally just give you their car.
Smokey the Bear is 100% what kept me from starting forest fires
I cannot walk on water, But I can wobble on whisky.
My kid criticized my handwriting on her birthday card so yes, all those hours of drug-free labor were totally worth it.
person walking by my house:
my dog: I’ve killed people for less
MOBSTER: *cracks knuckles*
ME: that supposed to intimidate me?
*his fingers start to glow like glowsticks*
ME: k I’m scared but thats rad
Not to brag but I read the instructions before I did something today. I didn’t follow them, but still.
Sad to see Kamala Harris drop out. I didn’t like her policies but she was the candidate most likely to build a RoboCop
INTERVIEWER: when u read a good book, wat kind of things do u pictur in ur head
ME: [pausimg for a split second too long] words
Me: If I had a superpower, what would it be?
6YO: Being nice. Not yelling.
Me: Really?
6YO: Oh, I thought it was like which ones did you need.
Me:*opens mouth*
Husband: Don’t. You’re the adult.