911: What’s your emergency?
Me: I brought a girl home last night
911: That’s not an-
Me: NOW SHE WON’T LEAVE!
*swat team busts down my door*
You Might Also Like
1) Jumped out of bed
2) Cooked breakfast
3) Ran 6 miles
4) Worked out
5) Started lying compulsively
My mom’s favorite part of my birthday is describing my birth in detail to an 18 year old waitress who is just there to get our drink order.
Indians will wait 25 years to have sex but not 25 seconds for the traffic signal to turn green.
Seize the day. Attack the week. Murder the month. Approach your life in a generally violent way.
My class teacher once said “Write and Practice.” Turns out she was right. I practiced on my desk just before I started my exam and it worked
Anything can be for breakfast if you put the word breakfast in front of it. Breakfast Pizza, Breakfast Burger, Breakfast Burrito, Breakfast Martini.
[Looking round a museum]
ME: Hey Patricia, have you seen this pterodactyl?DATE: Yeah, but *smiles* you don’t pronounce the p
ME: Oh God I’m such an idiot! I feel stupid now, Atricia
[presses every button in elevator] here’s how Michael Bay ruined the ninja turtles
[car dealership]
“Why is some guy out there screaming insults at all the vehicles?”*Sees sign PRE-OWNED CARS*
“Oh.”
Him: Correct me if I’m wrong.
Me: Oh don’t worry, I will.
Kids be like “Hey can you decorate outside my room for my birthday tomorrow like you did last year? But make it a surprise.”
The most disturbing thing about accidentally waking up at 4 a.m. is realizing some people do this on purpose so they can exercise.
Brain: She’s cute, talk to her…
Me: but what should I say?
Brain: ask her if she likes meat…
Me: What?
Brain: c’mon man, do it…
How dare you incinerate that I don’t know big words.
ME: Here, take my seat
EXECUTIONER: No thank you
Me: This escape room is really hard.
Guard: I said lights out!
Today is the three year anniversary of the time I dropped a hot dog and it got stepped on before I could retrieve it. Don’t talk to me about your suffering
There comes a point in every parent’s life when they notice the soap and shampoo they bought for their kids isn’t getting used up nearly as quickly as it should be.
I went in to a pet shop. I said, “I would like to buy a goldfish?” The guy said, “Do you want an aquarium?”
I said, “I don’t care what astrological sign it is.”
Don’t let Hollywood fool you. I was in an orphanage for 13 yrs and we only broke into a song & choreographed dance twice
A little wine does the body good, a lot of wine does the body better!
me: *pays a stranger from the computerwebs to come drive me somewhere*
my mom: WHAT THE HELL!
Maybe she was just being paranoid, but Wendy couldn’t help feeling that she was being monitored.
When your parents said you could be anything you wanted, I don’t think they meant annoying
HBO login: password must contain at least 8 characters, a number, an emoji, your college roommate’s maiden name, and a hieroglyph.
ATM: just any 4 numbers.
Even on your worst days, an identity thief wants to be you more than you want to be yourself and that’s beautiful
Parents, need a little free time Easter morning?
Have your kids hunt for Easter eggs that you never hid.
Bonus points for telling them they’re getting warmer.
I’ve seen enough movies to know that the first step to stealing a car is jamming a screwdriver into the ignition.