A slice of pie in the Bahamas is $2.00, in Jamaica it’s $2.50.
These are the pie rates of the Caribbean.
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Me: oh look, there’s keith, don’t say anything, but he’s obsessed with doors. Oh, hi keith.
Keith: Shut it.
After dinner the other husbands and I retire to the garage and silently take turns climbing my new ladder.
Him: Will you marry me?
Me: *sprays him in the face with silly string*
comedian: everyone has that one friend who…
me: let me stop you right there
Hi, I would like to file a complaint against everything.
It took me 15 mins to explain to my 18yo son how to make Minute Rice, in case you were thinking about having kids.
*2 ghosts walk into a bar*
That’s it.
Everyone left screaming.
My tall sister took the vodka out of the cupboards above the fridge.
I always thought those doors were just there for decoration.
How many Mexicans does it take to change a light bulb? Just Juan.
I’m 48 years old and I pronounce pumpkin like PUN-KIN.
Bite me.
seems like a niche market
I have the body of a guy in his 20s.
If the morgue people ask about it, tell them you know nothing!
[police interrogation]
“What do you do for a living?”
“Drug dealer.”
“Louder, for the tape.”
[leans in]
“Bug healer. I heal bugs.”
[Library]
MAN: Do you have books on fire?
LIBRARIAN: Yes, in the Chemistry section
MAN: Come on boys!
*Swarms of firemen enter with hoses*
God: you’re a seabird.
Puffin: can I fly?
God: oh course you can fly you’re a bird aren’t you?
Puffin: oh good.
God: omg can you even imagine being a bird that can’t fly?
Puffin: I know right? lol.
Penguin: [under breath] don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry.
*falls down*
Mom: What was that?
Me: My shirt fell
Mom: It sounded much heavier than a shirt
Me: I was in it
Friend: if you could have dinner with any person living or dead who —
Me: — what kind of dessert would there be
*sees guy dressed as ghost for Halloween*
Hey buddy thats not funny, my grandma is a ghost
LASAGNA IS ONE OF THE WORST SPELLED WORDS THAT SHIT IS ABSOLUTELY PREPOSTEROUS, SHOULD BE LASONYA BUT UR ALL SCARED TO TALK ABOUT IT, SCARED OF WHAT COULD HAPPEN
We talk a big game for a species that has a favourite cup
ME: Waiter!
WAITER: What’s wrong?
ME: I ordered the alphabet soup.
WAITER: What’s the problem?
ME: How many letters are there?
WAITER: Twenty six, sir.
ME: Well, this soup only has bees.
Love this one 😂🧟
A couple is asleep when their doorbell rings at 3am.
The wife shakes the husband and says “Honey, there’s someone at the door.”
The husband, irritated gets up and opens the door to an obviously drunk man.
“Can I help you?”
“Could you give me a push?” asks the drunk man.…
Him: I like to play devils advocate
Me: There are way better games out there
Under ‘medical history’, we were hoping for something more specific to you personally. You wrote “Fleming discovered penicillin in 1928”.
‘Why don’t you come over here and taste these Doritos…’
– Romancing the stoned
Socks try to be monogamous but most end up either single or having multiple different partners.
Surgeon: I’ll be taking out your appendix today
Me: [stomach rumbles]
Surgeon: [puts stethoscope to my tummy]
Appendix: I have a boyfriend
Who knew a midlife crisis could have so few convertibles and so many cats?
Me on a dinner date: be cool, be cool, be cool…..
*dips cookie in barbecue sauce