I was halfway to the state line before I realized the sirens were part of the song that was playing…
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People mock Snapchat, but I spent the first 36 yrs of my life wondering how my friends would look as rainbow alien puppies AND NOW I KNOW.
Me: I’m living paycheque to paycheque
Society: Maybe you should have gotten an education
Me: I’m a teacher
ain’t no way there’s billions of us and nobody got superpowers
me: the clogged sink is over here
plumber: (crawls under sink)
me, definitely not a werewolf: oh no
Nice try girl with a great job and is mentally stable…
Hello crazy chick with anger issues and a knife collection.
Spice things up at church by french kissing your neighbor during the traditional greeting time.
Nothing’s stopping you from doing a book signing. You don’t have to have written a book, there are plenty of them just lying around
cigarettes make you look cool but they take years off your life. two good reasons to smoke
*about to kiss girl*
*butterflies in my stomach*
*I vomit, thousands of butterflies fly out*
*they pick up the girl and fly away*
Man not ag
There are 2 wolves inside me and they’re both eating tacos
Idk why but I get so much joy out of responding to phone scammers with the most dire and preposterous situations
Giving my wife a bikini wax for the first time. Should I wake her up or just let it be a surprise?
me: thinking about getting into necrophilia
her: over my dead body
me: that’s the spirit
Husband: Did you just change from one set of pjs to another?
Me:
H:
Me:
H: …you look great
Me: I’ll remember this verification code and don’t need to write it down.
Me two seconds later: Oh no!
Again Mr Jovi,
Please stop mailing us bible verses. You cannot continue living on a prayer. We require an actual mortgage payment.
My first mistake was letting my kids watch all the Despicable Me movies repeatedly and my second mistake was putting on a yellow shirt with these overalls
Me: I would love to sleep with you
Her: ok I think we’re ready for this
[We lay down and nap because we are not perverts like you]
Things my cat eats: grass
Things my cat shouldn’t eat: grassThings my cat should eat: cat food
Things my cat doesn’t eat: cat foodColour of my cat: black and white
Colour of cows: black and whiteSynopsis: My cat is a cow
If you see my wife at the store, tell her to put some of that stuff back.
“Are you happy, Ted? Now you know what that button does.”
who wore it better?
flight: scheduled to depart at 3 pm
my parents at 4 am:
[On a date]
Me: I want to be buried under a large oak tree, give my body back to the earth
Him: that’s so sweet
Me: no I mean right now
*uses your voodoo doll as a tampon*
What’s Godzilla’s favorite sitcom?
How I Met Your Mothra!
…No, YOU shut up.
ME: hello I’d like to return this body. it’s defective.
GOD: I’m sorry but your warranty has expired
My kid just made me google the various answer percentages to cheat a Harry Potter Sorting Hat quiz so she’d get Slytherin- which I guess qualifies her.
[Don’t let hot barrista know I’m a goose]
“Can I get you a coffee?”
Just a honk chonklate for me
“A what?”
CHOCOLATE, a hot chocolate plz.
Me: how can I prepare for this meeting?
Friend: we can do a mock interview
Me: ok
Friend: why should we hire you
Me: wHy ShOuLd wE HiRe yOu