The ostrich may have the right idea
but I hate sand in my hair.
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9: I learned a joke at school.
Me: Ok let’s hear it.
9: What goes in stiff but comes out soft?
Me:
9:
Me:
9:
Me: Is it a-
Wife [running in from other room]: SPAGHETTI IT’S SPAGHETTI
Writes “He owed me $50” in funeral guest book.
Great Halloween costume idea for couples: Go in a tandem Titanic costume, then get into a big fight halfway thru the night and break up
Mom there’s a boogie man in my closet!
*mom looks and I’m standing there with an afro in a satin shirt and platform shoes
NOAH’S GOOGLE HISTORY
1) What is an ark?
2) How 2 build ark
3) Can god just build ark?
4) Are snakes necessary?
5) Is god real or am I high?
Guac just sounds like someone died before they could say the whole word.
My 4yo sang Old MacDonald but in his version “on that farm he was a cow” which was a plot twist M. Night Shyamalan would be proud of
7: so those people think belle is weird because she’s walking around?
me: i guess so
7: and because she likes books?
me: um…yeah
7: but at least she’s pretty right?
me: …let’s watch moana instead
Date: You haven’t dated in awhile?
Me: [Wearing Hulk Hands struggling with a burrito] Why do you say that?
Facebook sent me a notification….unfortunately, my meth lab on Farmville blew up.
How much for the soul sucker?
Sir, that’s a baby
I’m at a second grade music recital and this is by far the most effective form of birth control I’ve ever tried.
I admire how much mileage The Cut gets out of people writing about when they sleep or are awake
The sign at this gas station says “turn engine off” so I catcalled my engine and its cute friend from across the street.
My wife and I don’t often spend money on luxuries, but when we do, I’m glad it’s for something we can both enjoy like decorative pillows.
Elderly Woman: Excuse me, young man…could you help m-
Me: I have a grandma.
*tip toes out front door*
*wife texts me from China*“Where you going?”
Canadian Thanksgiving isn’t the same day as Thanksgiving in the US because Canadians already put gravy on everything every day.
it’s cute when your doc says to be on strict bed rest when you have a 10 mo old and your husband is gone. lol i’ll just call my magic fairies. they can handle it and probably even wash the car and then we can all dance around together and eat pizza without getting fat
My 11yo daughter is explaining to my 5yo son what Toys R Us was and he’s losing his shit.
I prefer to dance when someone is watching, you know, in case I need medical attention.
No one takes their job more seriously than the guy that glues down the start of the toilet paper roll.
I’m more comfortable hearing my five-year-old repeat swear words in public than I am hearing him say “uh-oh!” from another room.
your honor my client would like to plead oopsie daisies
Spider just landed on my shoulder. I didn’t want to kill it so I just fainted instead.
My neighbor has a couple of cameras on her house, every time I go past I wave at her through the camera, she told me the other day she gives me the finger.
Me: *stuffing a ham into my pillow*
Wife: what are you doing
Me: it’s in case someone tries to stuff a ham into my pillow, they’ll be like “ah damn”
Who needs to watch the #SOTU when I can just read my TL? Here’s what I’ve learned so far: John Boehner is still orange.
“how can you be single?”
*smirks*
gimme 60 seconds, you’re about to find out