In one class I have a Bella, an Ella, an Eli and an Ellie. Say those names quickly three times in a row and Bloody Mary appears to steal your freshly sharpened pencils.
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IF SATAN IS READING THIS PLEASE MAKE THE FINGERBOARD ON MY DESK DO 1 FLIP
I DON’T WANT YOUR PITY but I’ll take it.
A hug and slap are both powerful but not everyone deserves a hug.
I’ve never been so thrown by a hyphen
horrifying if literal: the electric slide
Bobby pin
I miss the days when people thought I was gross for liking cottage cheese. Now you guys are blending it up and eating it with raw Brussels sprouts and mustard? You need to cool it. Right now.
obsessed w/ the woman in line telling her life story. she hasn’t seen her daughter (annie) or grandkids in 3yrs bc they’re in australia. annie met her hubby in hawaii while surfing. she’s had trouble w/ the neighbors lately but that’s annie, she’ll find it wherever she goes
I asked my husband to put honey on the shopping list and now it’s all sticky
BAILIFF: Please state your name for the courtroom.
SCOOBY: Scooby Doo.
BAILIFF: Your FULL name.
SCOOBY: Scooby Doobie Doo.
I’ve never applied makeup while driving, but I have eaten an entire rotisserie chicken.
[3 am]
toddler *steps on my face trying to sneak into the bed*
me: You are the worst ninja ever
writer: ok so a guy and girl named jack and jill
editor: ugh 2 lame white kid names. fine, go on
writer: well, they go up a hill
editor: i’m already bored
writer: to fetch a pail of water
editor: kill me
writer: no trust me it gets better
Starting a conga line is a great conversation ender.
Me: Maybe I’ll go out tonight
Depression: No, you will cry yourself to sleep instead
Anxiety: It’s my turn and I want you to have a full blown panic attack
Stress Eating: Guys, let’s play together
Announcer: “Welcome to the Super Bowl 50 Halftime Show. Are you ready to rock?!”
[crowd goes nuts]
A: “Well too bad, here’s Coldplay”
Thanks to everyone who said nothing while I walked around with my zipper down all morning.
The only thing I miss about eating meat is the enticing stickers on the packages. I want an avocado labeled “choice cut” or some prime tofu.
Just so you know, you will be asked to leave the funeral if you do a drum solo on the coffin…no matter how epic it is
If you run out of pet names for your partner, just call them assorted baking ingredients: sugar, honey, cinnamon, vanilla, garlic powder, Montreal steak seasoning, butter, pumpkin.
ME AS A MARRIAGE COUNSELOR:
I signed you both up for Tinder*1 week later
ME: You still want a divorce?
THEM: OMG NO THAT WAS HORRIFYING
That second remote is only useful for that one button on it which you push to switch from the first remote to the third remote.
That awkward moment when you realize your wife’s funeral is turning into a sausage-fest.
[surgeon in the recovery room] in addition to the hernia we also found $20 in change
[me who’s always been a good tipper] you’re welcome
[wife gets in the car after talking with the priest]
“What did the priest have to say?”
“He said you have to stop rapping over the choir.”
I don’t do weights but my 4yo refuses to walk sometimes so yeah I lift
6: Mommy where are you putting your cameltoe this year?
Me:
6: I like it
Me: It’s mistletoe son
Establish dominance at the dentist by trying to swallow everything they put in your mouth
Bury me in a shirt that says “not a zombie” so I can trick everyone when I’m a zombie
our bidet has two settings: babbling brook or pressure wash 30-year-old grime off the sidewalk