Today (Sept. 17) is international Batman day!
#BatmanDay #webcomic #Weird
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Shouldn’t Captain Crunch be Colonel Crunch by now? Apparently cereal mascot is a dead end job.
a squirt gun filled with tuna water would be a pretty devastating weapon
It’s amazing how people will leave you alone if you just commit to faking a British accent all day
“I don’t know a lot about any of this but I probably should still weigh in with my opinion”
– the voice that I fight in my head
ME: When I die, I want to be cremated.
GLOBAL WARMING: Let me save you a step.
Not saying you’re shady but there is a family of squirrels gathered around your ankles.
if bowser kidnapped my wife, i wouldn’t ask for a background music, no matter how much fun i’d be having chasing turtles.
[Scene: Cloud City. Two men fight each other with lightsabers]
Mario: You-a kill my father!
Wario: No. I am-a your father.
Mario: Mama-mia!
Golf is a great way to learn all of the new curse words your subconscious has been cooking up in the lab.
All I’m saying is people who don’t swear are fornicated up emotionally.
LIAM NEESON: I will look for you, I will find you, and I will ki-
*my phone battery dies*
ME: omg
WIFE: omg
ME: Liam Neeson’s gonna kiss me
My boss asked me why I only get sick on work days.
I said it must be my weekend immune system.
[leaning over bathroom sink]
Me: *clips fingernail*
Fingernail: *lands in Italy*
Nutritionist: if you can’t pronounce the first ingredient on the label, you shouldn’t eat it
Me: ok
[at grocery store]
Me: *reading label* k-kw-kwi
Clerk: quinoa
Me: definitely not eating that
I asked my neighbor’s 5 yr old if he wanted a baby brother or sister and his reply was he just wanted chicken nuggets
Potato chips bragging about having less fat – I don’t think you understand people who eat you.
If the interviewer doesn’t think it’s cool when you pull a quarter out of his ear, the job wasn’t good enough for you anyways.
Damn boy are you a stormtrooper, because you’re never gonna hit this
My TC promised me he likes it rough so, of course, I bought him a plane ticket. On United.
No, I don’t need a Fitbit. I can count to 45 by myself.
I always eat cake like I’m about to be caught.
Person: My name is Mora.”
Hawaiian wizard: “Aloha, Mora.”
*Door behind her unlocks*
I don’t always cook dinner but when I do, I use every pan in the kitchen.
Sorry you didn’t win Best Picture, “Mad Max: Fury Road,” but if Trump wins the election, you can re-submit for “Best Documentary.”
If I could live vicariously through someone, I would pick someone who gets to sleep through the night.
Me: Who had two thumbs and just had a bandsaw accident? This guy
Doctor: Which Guy?
Why are you breaking up with me?
“You treat your dog like a baby. It’s weird”
Shh *puts hands over dog’s ears* he’s 26 months he understands
all car guys agree that a dream car should be hard to get, expensive and fast as hell but get all pissy when I say “so the batmobile then”
Some of you people, plus the magic marker I ate earlier, make me sick.
Fight Club, but instead of blowing up all the financial institutions, they reset all twitter follower counts back to zero.